


Cave Canem

by BC_Brynn



Series: Trust Your Nose [4]
Category: Naruto
Genre: Acting Hokage!Kakashi, BAMF Anko, BAMF Ibiki, Big Brother!Naruto, Cunning!Naruto, Families of Choice, Fluff and Angst, Gen, Hokage no Kage, Iruka on the Warpath, Little Brother!Naruto, Mission Fic, Pack, Pranking, Puppies, Seduction Specialists, The Legendary Sucker
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-11-07
Updated: 2017-12-19
Packaged: 2019-01-30 20:11:46
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 23,513
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12660588
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BC_Brynn/pseuds/BC_Brynn
Summary: Iruka is sent on a mission no one before him has accomplished. He does not have great hopes for success. He does, however, have an accomplice who doesn’t believe in failure – Naruto himself.





	1. Pet, Pet

**Author's Note:**

> It’s Iruka-heavy, yes. He _ate my brain_. That boy is a monster.
> 
> Still, you may wonder where the fluffy fluff has gone and why the change of rating? The answer is Danzo – the Dolores Umbridge of the Naruto world. I don’t want to write him. I don’t want to let him taint the universe I’m creating here – but, then again, ignoring his existence feels cheap and inauthentic. So, this is me, trying to get _around_ Danzo.
> 
> Also, holy crap, feels. Damn you, Sannin!
> 
> (for your own safety, consider checking out detailed warnings in the end note)

Naruto came home that night, heated his leftover ramen – all four bowls of it – closed the shutters, locked the door, sat down in the middle of his bedroom with the first steaming bowl between his knees, and very quietly said to himself: “Chuunin.”

The reality didn’t break. This was no genjutsu. This was the truth.

He let his voice grow louder. “Chuunin. _Chuuuuuunin_.”

Nothing. The universe remained quiet. Konoha didn’t notice. No one broke into his apartment to teach him a lesson.

Naruto let his head fall back, breathed in as much air as could fit into his lungs and bellowed with all his might: “ _Chuunin_!”

“Shut the fuck up!” yelled someone outside.

Naruto grinned. Now, that was more like it. He dipped his chopsticks into the broth and sucked up mouthfuls of noodles. _Chuunin_. Actual real-life _chuunin_. Like… like Iruka-sensei.

He was like Iruka-sensei.

No completely, sure, but close enough that it was doable; it wasn’t just a dream anymore; Naruto was close enough to reach for it. He hadn’t felt like this when he made gennin – he had kicked Mizuki’s arse so they had to give him a hitai-ate, right? – and he knew it wouldn’t be like this when he made jounin (like Dog-sensei), even if he would be one of the few lucky ones that got promoted outside of war.

It wouldn’t even be like this if he ever made Hokage (like Old Man Hokage) either.

This was special. Once in a lifetime. And he needed to have it to himself for just a little while, a few minutes, maybe an hour or so, before he called his Pack and celebrated with them. This was _it_.

From this day on, Naruto was an acknowledged shinobi for real.

x

“Congratulations on your promotion, Naruto-kun,” said Kana-san, leaning into Naruto’s side and then licking the edge of his jaw when he squatted down for her.

Naruto briefly pressed his face to the side of her neck the way he used to when he was little. Kana-san still smelled like comfort and security and family to him.

So did Ya-san, who greeted Rikku first, and only then came to congratulate Naruto on officially _becoming chuunin_. He was so excited!

“Hello, Chou-chan,” Naruto said when he spotted Annai’s and Juuji’s sister impatiently waiting for her parents to finish socializing. The canine lady lifted her tail and turned around to show her butt to Naruto, which wasn’t very lady-like of her, but all the funnier.

She could posture all she wanted. Naruto could smell the jealousy from over here – and so could the rest of the family.

Annai and Juuji, flanking Naruto like two serious ninken guards, shared a quick grin.

Rikku set out toward undergrowth surrounding the amphitheatre. Naruto nodded to him and parted from Kana-san and Ya-san with the words: “I’ll visit if there’s time left after the strategy session. I’ll tell you what Sasuke looked like when they announced who got promoted.”

Naruto wished he had a camera, so he could have taken a picture and kept it with him for a time when he needed a pick-me-up. Too bad. Still, he was pretty happy with just the memory of Sasuke’s reaction to _Sakura’s reaction_.

Sakura had, predictably, screeched.

Sasuke had clutched at his ears, turned to her and snarled: “If you do that one more time, Haruno, I will tell Yamanaka you turned me off women forever.”

Naruto had been shocked. _Shocked_. It was only the second… or maybe third… sign he had ever seen that Uchiha Sasuke might have an actual personality. Somewhere. Well-hidden. Probably chained in the basement of that morgue he lived in.

Someone grumbled.

Naruto looked down just in time to avoid stepping on Pakkun. The pug huffed at him. “Inari’s sake, Naruto-chan, tell me you’re not in love.”

“Wha-whaaat?!” Naruto stumbled over his own feet and nearly face-planted in a turd someone had just left there. In the middle of a clearing. _Puppies_ , honestly. But- “What do you mean?!”

Pakkun snorted up at him. “Pink cheeks? Shining eyes? Little smile? Ha! You think you’re the first human I’ve seen make a cat’s arse of himself over a piece of tail?”

Naruto sputtered. His face felt hot and he was pretty sure he looked about as red as a tomato – Rikku and Juuji sure were finding it hilariously funny. Juuji laughed so hard he rolled over on the grass, paws treading air.

“Should have seen Kakashi-chan,” Pakkun went on grumbling, making his way through the woods toward the rock Naruto’s hunt had claimed as _their_ place. “Tripping over nothing, gazing off into space – he thought carrying a book in front of his face disguised that vacant stare… Spare yourself the indignity.”

“Leave nii-chan alone,” Annai barked.

Juuji laughed at her, too.

Naruto growled low in his throat. “One brilliant sucker-punch of a line does not make up for miles of cat-sick personality.” The idea of… of _the Lamppost_ … filled him with honest revulsion. He wouldn’t pee on that guy. Okay, maybe if he was on fire, but he’d insist that Sasuke washed it off immediately afterwards, and maybe pour Sakura’s perfume over him, ‘cause Naruto would never live down having _that_ walk around smelling like it was _his_.

Oh, _eww_.

But.

But this gave him an idea. A great idea. An amazing idea!

If he thought that Sasuke and Sakura were absolutely gross and even the suggestion that he would want to touch them made his skin crawl, chances were that other gennin teams felt like that, too.

What a fantastic discovery! He could do so much with this!

Startled by Naruto’s cackle, which refused to be smothered even after he had slapped his hand over his mouth to keep it in, Pakkun glanced back. And sighed in relief.

“Oh, good. It’s just a pranking plot.”

“ _Good_ , he says,” muttered Rikku.

Naruto – telegraphing his movement, since he always walked on Rikku’s blind side – put his hand between Rikku’s ears and stroked back along the ridge of his spine as far as he could reach. “Don’t worry. It’ll only work on humans.”

“Me too!” Annai demanded.

Naruto obediently petted her, and then Juuji as well – he didn’t want anyone to feel like they didn’t belong. They were a hunt. He even scratched Pakkun’s ear after they got to the rock and all the ninken sprawled around, never mind that Pakkun wasn’t their hunt-mate. He was a friend, and the co-leader of Dog-sensei’s hunt the same way Rikku was co-leader of Naruto’s. A partner.

He deserved appreciation.

Naruto stretched out between his four doggy friends, pillowed his head on his upper arm, and looked Pakkun in the eye. “So, I promised Iruka-sensei I would help him bring that Tsunade back to Konoha.”

Pakkun whistled. “You don’t half set yourself lofty goals, Naruto-chan.”

Naruto curled his lip, free hand automatically searching out the nearest head and scratching at all the right spots. A tail hit the soft inside of his thigh with every happy swing, so he could tell this was Juuji. Annai must have been the shifting weight on stomach. “I know you knew Jiraiya, ‘cause he was Dog-sensei’s sensei’s sensei – but did you ever meet the other two Sannin?”

Pakkun nodded. His head came down on top of his forepaws, and his eyes narrowed in concentration. “Okay, kid. I’ll tell you what I know. Just promise me you won’t do anything reckless.”

Naruto opened his mouth to promise, but that was a really hard promise to make. And he wasn’t good at that kind of thing. Thinking things through and stuff. Unless it was a prank.

“Rikku will sit on me if I go _rawr_?” he suggested, making claws with his free hand.

Rikku confirmed with a huff.

Pakkun accepted that solution. “So, I’ll start from the middle, but this is a thing somebody should have told you a long time ago. When your Dad became the Hokage…”

x

“You are a long way from home,” Tsutsuji said softly, stopping in the doorway of the nursery.

Naruto startled where he was sitting on the floor; his head banged against the wall. Fortunately, his bright fur was thick enough to muffle the impact.

Neither of the pups so much as twitched. Or – of the _other_ pups? Should she have thought of this human as a child still, or was it patronising to do so to one who had achieved the rank of _chuu_ -nin? Tsutsuji was not very familiar with the workings of human society; she did not understand what kissing had to do with shinobi ranks.

“I’m sorry,” Naruto whispered. “I know I shouldn’t have just come in without asking, but I… I needed to see him.”

The boy _looked_ tired and dejected, but he _smelled_ distraught. He might have been on the verge of adulthood for his species, but Tsutsuji knew a youngster in need of a parent when she saw one.

“Sometimes I come here in the middle of the night,” she assured him, padding closer and sitting on her haunches next to him. He leaned into her side, offering body-warmth as naturally as if he had been born a dog. A good pup, only just growing into his paws. “I just sit here,” she said, “and look at them. I am not guarding – there is nothing here to guard against – and I am not frightened. I know they won’t disappear in the middle of the night. It is hard to explain. The closest thing would be, I believe, that just looking at them makes me happy. And sometimes I need that.”

Naruto nodded, wide-eyed, as if he understood her perfectly. Or, perhaps, as if her words had perfectly described what he was feeling.

He turned away from her then, eyes skimming over four rhythmically rising sides until they found and glued themselves to the little bulge under a soft grey blanket, half hidden from sight by Katsu’s fluffy tail. All that could be seen of Tsutsuji’s unexpected fifth child was a white and brown tuft of fur sticking out.

“If… if anything happens…” Naruto raised his empty hands, palms out, as if to ward off any evil that might come. His eyes shone in the darkness, and his voice quivered as he tried, so very hard, to make her believe him. “I promise I’ll take care of Haku. Of all of them, really – and I know you’ve got a lot of family, you’ve got the whole Pack, I get it, but I’ll be there. I’ll never abandon them. _Never_. I swear.”

“I believe you, Naruto-kun.” At the very least, Tsutsuji was absolutely certain that at this very moment Naruto meant his promise with the burning fervor born of fear and disappointment. What else could motivate someone to say such words? It had to have been the bitter knowledge that he himself had been abandoned by some useless primates and the painful memories of the strife that resulted from this abandonment.

Tsutsuji had only met Naruto a handful of times, and barely spoke to him during those occasions. She did talk about him, though, at length, with Ya, who knew the summoner perhaps better than even Kana did.

She… She did not doubt him. The realisation made her smile, toothily so, but fondly. “I thought Donguri was being a superstitious fool when he asked you to name Haku.”

“It worked out, though?” Naruto asked, jittery. “I mean, Haku-chan’s fine? He’s still here, and he’s getting stronger and all-”

“And _this_ is why I am glad that I gave in and let Don’ do it.” Tsutsuji did not want to make the boy feel unwelcome. “I do not believe you lent your strength to Haku and saved him.” She looked him in the eye. “But I believe that you _would_ if he needed it.”

Naruto nodded several times. “I promise. I promise, Tsutsuji-san.”

Yes, Tsutsuji thought. Perhaps she was a fool, too, but she did honestly believe him.

x

Iruka stayed in his office long after all the students had gone home. He acknowledged dinner time by scarfing down a nutrition bar, and was nearly caught up on his marking when a knock on the door jolted him out of his homework-correcting daze into the present.

He knew it was Naruto before the door opened and the boy stepped in.

“I got you ramen, Iruka-sensei,” he said. “No one says no to chicken ramen.”

Iruka did not think that was strictly the truth, but he also wasn’t in the position to argue, since his stomach growled in approval.

Iruka took the bowl. He didn’t even reprimand Naruto for leafing through a pile of recently corrected tests. The boy wasn’t doing anything to the papers – just reading. It was not as though there was any confidential information, except perhaps for the big fat fail on Sarutobi Konohamaru’s answer sheet.

Iruka could tell exactly when Naruto found that one, because he laughed and looked over. “Kono’s testing you. Just don’t give in to him and he’ll go right back to being your biggest fan. He does this to everybody. It’s an _Honourable-Grandson_ thing.”

Iruka was mildly annoyed, mostly because it was such a hassle to explain why the Hokage’s Grandson, who otherwise appeared to be a promising future shinobi, nearly failed Iruka’s class. It wasn’t bias. Iruka prided himself of remaining strictly unbiased.

But Konohamaru refused to cooperate.

“I hope you’re right,” Iruka said between two mouthfuls of noodles.

Naruto gave Iruka a long, searching look.

Once, years ago, shortly after Naruto was transferred to Iruka’s class (after he failed his second attempt at the graduation – or, rather, after his second attempt at graduation was sabotaged), there was a period of Naruto refusing to take direction. Any direction at all. Iruka had despaired of the boy, and this was years after he had chosen to let go of his irrational hatred for the jinchuuriki.

It went on for about six weeks – certainly less than two months – and then suddenly Naruto’s disruptions ceased. Perhaps not entirely, but they definitely decreased to the usual level of acting-out expected of boys that age. Naruto hadn’t been nearly as much trouble as Kiba or Shikamaru.

“I think I owe Kana-san a thank you,” Iruka spoke contemplatively.

“A Hokage-mountain-sized one. She taught me to read,” Naruto pointed out. “I’d have been totally lost in class without that.”

Iruka’s breath caught. Another hurdle overcome without him having given a though to it. They had been extremely lucky. Naruto wasn’t a book-smart boy, and he would never be the type to willingly sit down and read, but being entirely illiterate was a handicap that would have all but crippled him at the Academy.

Why hadn’t Iruka ever thought to ask? Had he decided that it was the students’ responsibility to raise any issues they might have had? Even though they might have seemed terribly humiliating to them?

“Oi,” Naruto protested. “Are you _woolgathering_? Don’t do that. What are you – a shinobi or a sheepdog?”

Iruka pointed a finger at him. “You stole that line.”

Naruto nodded. “It’s a great line, though, and Ya-san doesn’t own it.”

Iruka filed the pile of homework and the other pile of homework and also the pile of tests into drawers. Separate drawers. And locked them up. And sealed them in. He would have to come in early tomorrow to finish the marking, but that wasn’t a problem – Kakashi didn’t spend nights at home these days to keep him late in the mornings, he reflected glumly.

Kakashi was too busy.

Iruka was too busy, too, but he didn’t let it stop him. Although there was a frighteningly good chance that he would simply collapse at one point if he went on working four full-time jobs. He primed the trap on his desk (students were crafty!) and deposited the disposable ramen bowl in the rubbish bin.

“Don’t even think about it,” he said reflexively.

Naruto put an exploding tag back into his pocket and sneered at one of the many educational posters hanging from nails in Iruka’s office wall. It was the History of Konoha one, with the portraits of the most important Konoha ninja. It was quite old, as school property tended to be.

There was an almost-incidental ink blot covering the spot where Orochimaru’s face used to be. Iruka had considered taking scissors to it, but he had never come up with a believable excuse for a hole in the poster. The ink blot was easier to explain. Accidents happened – children could be so rowdy, right?

Perhaps he should have let Naruto with an exploding tag at it. That would have been very easy to explain, too.

“So noble,” Naruto said with palpable derision.

“Huh?”

“Jiraiya. Isn’t he so very noble?”

“Yes, I suppose,” Iruka agreed. Gallant, too, if the rumours were to be believed. But first and foremost concerned with the morality of his actions, going so far as to defy village laws in his efforts to protect children in other countries. “But why do you make that sound like a detraction?”

Naruto looked at him blankly. Then he figured out the meaning of the word from context. “He had to choose between nobility and loyalty, and he chose nobility. It _is_ a de-traction.” He frowned. “Is that like the opposite of traction?”

“No,” Iruka assured him. He wanted to argue that nobility was a positive aspect of one’s character, but arguing with a dog summoner about the relative importance of loyalty was frustrating and futile, so he let it be. “I guess teaching that the Legendary Sannin are heroes kids should emulate is not the greatest pedagogical choice we could have made.”

“You think?” Naruto said dryly.

When did he learn sarcasm? Admittedly, in Kakashi’s presence that might have been inevitable, but Iruka was going to miss the boy so sanguine that half of all teasing flew right over his head.

“Then we got the Yondaime,” Naruto pressed a finger between the eyes of a scowling face that might as well have been him looking into a mirror in ten years, “and most people don’t really want to die that young. Dad was a great hero, but even I don’t think anyone sane wants that sort of life.”

Iruka was still stuck on the ‘Dad’ in the sentence. He was aware (had come to realise it in between the hints Kakashi dropped and the eye-stabbing resemblance), but hearing Naruto say it so naturally, without thinking about it or checking for reaction, was startling. And a great relief, if Iruka was to be honest.

Naruto didn’t notice what was going on inside Iruka’s head, busy expounding on the topic of heroes. “It’s almost like we don’t have any good examples to follow – why do we barely know Uzumaki Mito existed? And why don’t we ever hear about Hatake Sakumo?”

“He broke the rules,” Iruka said quietly, sadly.

Naruto snorted. “We both know that’s not even an excuse. It’s worse than that time I told you a dog ate my homework, and you made me stand in the corner for lying. And I didn’t even lie! Damn Juuji!” Naruto slapped his palm over Jiraiya-sama’s face, catching the edge of Tsunade-sama’s hair with his thumb. “How many times did these people break the rules? And everyone still acts like every girl should want to become Tsunade and every boy should grow up to be Jiraiya, but where would that get us? A village full of drunks and deserters!”

Iruka wasn’t sure what was going on. A couple of days ago Naruto was excited about being given a mission uniquely suited to his skills and now he seemed… _upset_ was a close enough word. Not quite wrathful, as he genuinely didn’t have the capacity for wrath, but that odd ease he usually exuded was nowhere to see. He seemed weighed down. Hurt, too. Better than resigned, but Iruka hated seeing him in pain and not knowing how to help.

Should he treat him to ramen? Or just pour them both tea and hope that the scent would help calm down Naruto’s temper?

Did he even want Naruto to calm down? Frankly, Iruka was perfectly content with the idea of Naruto kicking the butts of anyone who dared hurt him.

“So, Iruka-sensei, did you know she’s my Godmother?”

“Who- Wait, Tsunade-sama? Tsunade-sama is your- Oh.”

This information would have shocked anyone unaware of the connection between Naruto and Yondaime-sama. It should have, by rights, shocked Naruto himself. Admittedly, Naruto wasn’t the type to be shocked by much of anything, from what Iruka had seen, and he had clearly had time to come to terms with this news, so maybe he had just reached the stage of acceptance.

Most likely, though, he had already known the identities of his parents long before today. Well, he was friends with Pakkun, and Pakkun had made it clear what he thought of the Sandaime’s decision to keep Naruto in the dark regarding _everything_. Plus, there was the nifty fact that Pakkun was not actually legally bound by the Hokage’s decrees, so it was his prerogative to tell Naruto whatever it pleased him to tell.

“Yeah.” Naruto shrugged. “Like Jiraiya is my Godfather, seems. It sucks.”

Iruka could imagine. Or, rather, he could not, but he could remember what it felt like to lose his parents and remain utterly alone in the world. There was this… this echoing silence. And he said this as the man who could hear the mice scuttle in the building’s basement while sitting on the roof.

He had wondered then, for a while, where all his parents’ friends were. Had they all died? Or had they just been too busy, or grieving too deeply, to care about their friends’ orphaned son? He never found out. He never really wanted to find out.

Naruto’s eyes read like the unspoken question ‘why are you hitting me again?’ and it was obvious that he too would have preferred not to find out about the godparents that chose to abandon him.

Iruka added another strike against Jiraiya-sama on his mental score board, and relegated that topic to some less wrought future.

“I didn’t know that, Naruto,” he said. “I’m sorry.”

“Eh.” Naruto flapped his hand, almost believably affecting unconcern. “Whatever. Least you can say about them is they don’t shi- _poop_ where they sleep-”

Iruka sighed, but he knew a lost cause when he was listening to one.

“-so it could have been worse. Like, they could have _killed_ my parents. Maybe I’d have ended up like Sasuke.”

“Kami-sama forefend,” Iruka muttered. There were far too many disaffected jinchuuriki in the world already.

“So,” Naruto shrugged, “it sucks, but in the end I am the one with the kickass Pack and they’re the ones eating their hearts out, so it worked out fair. I’m not going to cry myself to sleep over it or anything.”

He was a tough boy – but then, he had had to grow tough to survive.

Iruka gave in to the urge to hug him. He kept it brief, but seeing the light in Naruto’s eyes afterward (it wasn’t the first hug Iruka gave him, but they were so rare it still came as a surprise), Iruka knew there would be many more hugs in their future.

He could live with that.

“In fact,” Naruto continued in a somewhat softer tone, “it works out for the mission. I’ve been gathering intel, and I’ve got a huge pile of dirty laundry on all three of Old Man Hokage’s _legendary_ drop-outs. Like, a mountainous pile. Did you know that Orochimaru ran away from the village ‘cause people found out he was experimenting on babies?”

Iruka nodded. He knew that. More or less everyone did – it was part of Konoha’s folklore – but it wasn’t the sort of thing most adults mentioned to children. Except, perhaps, to the clan heirs and such.

“Did you know he once left Jiraiya naked and tied up in a room at the onsen where they were staying?”

Iruka hadn’t known that. And been happier for it. “Why?!”

Naruto grinned. “Wasn’t interested in taking him home, obviously. And Jiraiya should have paid that woman what he promised her if he didn’t wanna be left there like that. He deserved what he got.”

Iruka fully agreed with Naruto. He just wasn’t sure if he liked that unholy light in the boy’s eyes.

Still, it was a lot better than the former sadness, so he cut his losses.


	2. The Fox God's Tails

Iruka only realised that it was Wednesday when he spotted Guruko walking up the dirt path to the training ground Iruka, Naruto and Naruto’s errands-clone had claimed for a preliminary planning meeting. There was no set deadline for the mission, but _everyone_ was feeling the wear of this situation, and they had to resolve it at soon as possible.

Convincing Tsunade-sama to come back seemed like the best bet.

Guruko stopped when Iruka noticed him, remaining out of sight of both Naruto and Naruto’s clone. Instead of coming closer the ninken simply shook his head and then released himself.

So, Kakashi wasn’t coming home tonight.

Iruka didn’t labour under the delusion that it was because he went out with his ANBU teammates, as he occasionally used to, back in the days of Sandaime-sama’s reign.

“Alright then,” he said and determinedly put away the quarterly Academy report that had been sapping his attention. It was important, but Iruka would have to learn to delegate. Apparently. “Let’s sum up: we have the objective, and we have nearly unlimited assets at our disposal.”

Naruto’s clone snorted. “‘cause Kakashi-sensei won’t say no to you-”

“‘cause there’s no one in this village who wishes for Tsunade-sama to take the Hat as hard as Dog-sensei does,” the real Naruto cut off the Bunshin.

“So-” Iruka imagined a mission assignment scroll. “-the rank is A, I’d say, although it could be argued down to B on account of lack of mortal danger. Tsunade-sama has a history of refraining from killing Konoha ninja. Then the unit, and that’s-”

“No, no, no, Iruka-sensei. You can’t think of it like that!” Naruto and his clone both gesticulated so widely that the clone fell victim to an unintentional collision of flailing arms. It popped.

“Like what?” Iruka asked, bemused.

“Like a mission from the Missions Desk. I know that’s how you’re thinking ‘bout it. Makes sense, ‘cause you spend basically half your life at the Missions Desk, but that’s not the _only_ kind of mission.”

“Naruto, for the love of all good and worthwhile in this world, please tell me you don’t intend to turn this task into some sort of ANBU assignment.” Iruka thought about the potential blood bath. There were somewhat substantiated rumours about Tsunade-sama’s hemophobia, so he could imagine a convoluted plan where the objective was to expose the mark to so much blood that she would lose consciousness… and then he wondered if he would have to draw Naruto pictures to get him to understand that this sort of thing did _not work on a kami-damned Sannin_.

Naruto rolled his eyes. “We want to get her here whole, Iruka-sensei. That’s the point. She won’t be able to be Hokage if we bring her here in pieces. Old Man Hokage could have had her here a decade ago if that was what he wanted.” He flapped his hand. “Nah, ANBU do the easier stuff. What this situation calls for is a little tugging on Inari-sama’s tails.”

_Tugging on Inari-sama’s tails_ , Iruka repeated in his head and, no, it still did not make a smidgen of sense.

Naruto rolled his eyes again, as if Iruka was being intentionally obtuse. “I mean, we need to be _cunning_.”

Brought up by ninken, Iruka sharply remembered, and then nodded his understanding. It was easiest to pretend that Naruto was originally from a different species – just as Iruka was, given that no one in Konoha considered Kiri-nin to be human.

Naruto paced around, turning this side and that toward the setting sun. It was only now that Iruka noticed that it seemed natural to the boy to move while he thought, as if it somehow helped him concentrate. That little quirk must have been hell in a classroom setting.

“You catch more flies with honey,” Iruka said neutrally.

Naruto shook his head. “Sure, but the mark is not a fly. And I think a lot of people found that out too late.”

“I don’t disagree. But what is she then, if we’re doing animal metaphors?”

“She’s a cat,” Naruto hissed and paused in mid-step to bare his teeth.

Iruka could already tell that there wasn’t going to be a lot of love lost between this boy and his nominal Godmother even in the unlikely event that he chose to forgive her for abandoning him.

“It’s a good thing you’re a recognised expert at chasing cats.” Iruka rested his chin on his fist, elbow braced against his knee.

“Bah.” Naruto flapped his hand. “Tora, maybe. But Tora’s a kitten compared to the mark. You know, it’s easy to catch a cat when you’re bigger, stronger and faster than it. And wear tough clothes, ‘cause those claws are sharp. But,” he expounded, crouching down like a predator on the prowl, “you know how you get a cat to do something if it’s stronger and faster than you?”

His eyes were twinkling, so Iruka knew that Naruto had a plan, and it was probably going to be so crazy that no one could see its brilliance until afterwards, but he was damned if he could even guess at the direction Naruto’s mind had taken.

“You don’t even try?” he hazarded in the name of self-preservation.

Naruto rolled his eyes and leapt up, casting a long, long shadow over Iruka and the grass behind him. “Quitter! C’mon, Iruka-sensei. It’s easy. You can do it.”

He was grinning. And grinning. Iruka was struck by the realization that he now felt exactly the same way he had felt on Sunday at the Sarutobi Clan house speaking with Sandaime-sama. He knew that he was being led to a conclusion, that he had been provided with all the puzzle pieces he might need, and that his conversation partner had a little too much faith in him. He was once again sure that he was going to disappoint.

If you can’t use force, how do you get a stubborn cat to do what you want it to do?

You don’t.

A cat does what it wants to do.

Oh.

_A cat does what it wants to do._

Iruka grinned back up at Naruto. “So, how do we convince Tsunade-sama that it’s her own idea in the first place?”

Naruto rewarded him with a quick, strong hug that punched the air out of Iruka’s chest. Iruka met cerulean eyes bright with mischief.

“Hook, line, sinker!”

x

Step one – _the Hook_ – involved, terrifyingly enough, Naruto requisitioning an ANBU.

Iruka was shamefully relieved at this point, because Naruto originally intended to loiter in front of the T&I Headquarters – which he wasn’t supposed to know even existed, much less be aware of its precise location! – and wait until one of the ‘animal ninja’ came out. Iruka then reminded the boy that he was currently the Hokage’s aide, and if Naruto needed an ANBU, Iruka could get him one legally.

Naruto excitedly bounced on his toes, spent a few moments contemplating the myriads of possibilities suddenly available to him, and Iruka was already beginning to regret telling his ex-pupil this little tidbit, because he could sense the looming wholesale destruction in the village’s future.

“I need _Hato-san_ for the plan,” Naruto told him before Iruka could panic. “It wouldn’t work with anyone else. Or… maybe? But not half as good.”

Iruka nodded and muttered a quick prayer for Naruto to not abuse his close ties to Konoha’s administration.

Dove came to meet Iruka in the Hokage’s ready room with all the swiftness and silence of an ANBU that had spent the past month on yellow alert. Naruto narrowed his eyes and took a deep breath through his nose.

Iruka waited. He felt the pressure of the ANBU’s impatience – most of the operatives kept a tighter hold on their emotions, but this person seemed anxious to get this over and done with so they could get back to doing something worthwhile. Iruka was fairly familiar with this reaction – most tokujo and jounin reacted this way to all paperwork ninja. As if bureaucracy was their archenemy.

Iruka was long since inured to it. Besides, he had nothing to say. This was Naruto’s show.

“Ooh, this will be fun!” Naruto chirped. “Hey, _Hato-san_. We’ve got an assignment for you. It’s gonna be a little weird, but I can’t explain everything because of the _operations security_.” He solemnly nodded several times.

“Is this a joke?” the ANBU asked.

Iruka finally recognised her. He felt his eyebrows climbing up.

“Like, I don’t mind, pipsqueak, you know I’m in favour of pranking the shit out of whoever deserves it, but this looked like official summons.”

Yep. Anko could wear a mask and a Henge, but she could _not_ disguise her shining personality.

“Ah, ah!” Naruto pulled himself tall, looking almost official, just a little shrunk-in-the-wash. There was a definite resemblance to the Yondaime in him at that moment; both Anko’s and Iruka’s breath caught as they looked at it. “This is an A-rank mission from the Acting Hokage, _Hato-san_!” He paused and then added: “Good call on the Maple Street nanny. Thanks for the tip.”

“What did you do to her?” Anko asked with disturbing eagerness.

“Made her believe in ghosts,” Naruto replied cheerfully. “And werewolves. Possibly ghosts of werewolves. It was freaky. If Aka-chan wasn’t there with me, I’da been terrified. Ghosts. Brrr.” He shivered.

“Good call,” Anko returned, impressed.

Naruto hopped on the spot in excitement. “Thanks, _Hato-san_. But now we need your help with this mission. That is almost like a prank, a little bit, but also really, really serious.” Between two blinks of an eye Naruto went from cheer to seriousness.

Iruka kept up with a little difficulty; Anko didn’t seem fazed at all.

“Old Man Hokage’s life could depend on it,” Naruto said. The corners of his mouth were pulled down, the corners of his eyes tight. There was little this boy took as seriously as the well-being of the Third Hokage. “That’s all I can tell you.”

Anko nodded. “Specs?”

“Let me introduce you to your handler and emergency contact.” Naruto went down to one knee and pressed a bloodied finger to the floor. “ _Kuchiyose no Jutsu!_ ”

x

It was a good thing that Anko generally considered sanity and rationality mere inconveniences, and didn’t waste any time on them if unnecessary, because anyone else would have had difficulties accepting that this was their life.

Anko just shrugged, admitted to herself that she had asked for this when she had passed the chibi that first tip for a prank-worthy victim and signed it with a scribble of a dove. Everything since then had been leading to this point.

“Good luck, Hato-san,” said Annai-chan as they neared the Hokage tower.

“You can call me Anko, fluffball,” Anko replied quietly, reluctantly charmed by the canine kunoichi who was, for all intents and purposes, Naruto’s younger sister. She was fierce and didn’t take any shit, so Anko approved of her. She was also cute, and thus the perfect ankle candy for a human kunoichi going undercover as… well… herself.

Even Anko admitted that this assignment was weird.

“Mark at eleven o’clock,” barked Annai-chan.

Anko didn’t look. She watched the flash of a shadow across the street in front of her as Jiraiya jumped from a rooftop straight to the window of the Hokage’s office.

“See you on the other side,” Anko said in parting. She walked through the front door into the building, losing her crazy grin as she stepped over the threshold. A single hand-seal dispelled the Henge of her customary mesh-and-coat combo and revealed the actual clothing she had on – not quite a civilian outfit, but it felt so to her anyway. She wore a light, long-sleeved tunic that seemed positively chaste for her… until she bent down. The neckline sagged and showed off pretty much everything she had, and the hemline pulled up to answer the question of her underwear.

It was selected by Iruka. Anko found that just delightful, and intended to use it against Kakashi whenever opportunity presented itself. It was useless as ammunition against Iruka himself, because the jerk had done actual research, using Kakashi’s collection of Jiraiya’s novels, and went for maximum impact without involving his personal taste at all. There was no way to tease anyone for professionalism.

Walking up to the door of the Hokage’s office, Anko went for the final touch: she let her hair down.

“Kakashi-kuuun!” she drawled, sauntering into the office as if she did it ten times a day.

Kakashi looked up from behind the desk, goggled, and then pushed up his hitai-ate.

“Aww, dumpling, have you eaten yet? Nah, didn’t think so. Your missus sent me with lunch-”

Kakashi let the hitai-ate down, accepting that this was all Iruka’s doing, and he might as well go along with it, because he especially did not want to make himself a target for a confirmed prankster (who could consign him to sleeping on the sofa).

“-and said to come home earlier tonight, so you can say a proper goodbye. And by a proper goodbye I mean…” Anko planted a palm on top of the desk, put down the bento she carried and leaned over to whisper into Kakashi’s ear: “Reminding him that just because you’re both busy right now doesn’t mean you only want him for his paperwork skills.”

A brief check confirmed that Jiraiya was actually literally drooling, eyes moving between Anko’s chest and crotch. She confirmed in the reflection in Kakashi’s water jar that she had the old pervert well and truly hooked.

Jiraiya wiped his mouth.

Kakashi blinked, nodded, and looked back down to the document he had been reading prior to the invasion of the Sannin. “Noted. If that’s all, you’re dismissed-”

He cut himself off before he said her name. Jiraiya hadn’t recognised her – how would he have, without any of her signature gear? He hadn’t seen her since he had sealed her Sensei’s seal after Sensei’s _departure_.

“Going my way, gorgeous?” Jiraiya leered as Anko passed by him.

She pretended to startle, then gave him a thorough once-over, and pulled her mouth to one side. “Aww, I don’t normally go for old guys. But you’re kinda old-guy cute. You rich?”

“Rich enough that I can afford you, I’m sure,” Jiraiya replied, grinning like it was just a coy line, even though underneath that Anko could sense a hard, mocking tone. As if she was just a whore, no matter how hard she tried to pass for a kunoichi.

Gotcha, Anko thought. She grinned coyly back. “You can take me out tonight, jii-chan. But dinner’s on you.” She patted Jiraiya’s chest lightly. “Pick me up at eight in front of Kataoka’s.”

He allowed it, not at all bothered by having an unknown trained killer in his personal space. He simply reached down and squeezed her arse. Anko expected it, so she didn’t reflexively gut him.

Since Kataoka’s was one of the better jewelry stores in town, Anko had made it clear enough that this was about to be a transaction, and that if Jiraiya showed up, he was expected to shell out. Which he would, because that was his usual networking method.

Anko waved at Kakashi and skipped out.

“That is a lot of game you have,” she heard the ANBU guard comment.

And while Jiraiya loudly crowed about being a ‘super pervert’, Anko simply nodded to herself on her way out of the Tower. Yes, she did.

x

“Can we time it for the weekend?” Iruka tugged on his hair, trying to forcefully stave off the hopelessness that was spreading through his body and sapping the strength of his muscles.

He had not trained in days. He didn’t have the time. Naruto took over the bulk of the planning and organisation of their mission, and the irresponsibility of not being involved every step of the way gnawed at Iruka. But what could he do? His students depended on him to be a conscientious teacher; the ninja of Konoha would rebel is he let the Missions Desk fall apart, and of course he wasn’t going to abandon Kakashi to the onus of Hokageship-

But Tsubaki-san was right.

Something was about to give.

“Err… Iruka-sensei…?” There were footsteps and a hand slowly, hesitantly touched his shoulder. “You should sit down. Or, uhm…”

Iruka didn’t have the time to sit down. Maybe he could excuse such an action to himself if he _sat down to mark homework_ , but he also felt like his eyes would explode and swathe the papers in red blood instead of red ink. Traumatising pre-gennin was a no-no.

“Yeah, that’s it,” Naruto muttered to himself. “C’mon, Iruka-sensei. You’re coming with me. And if I have to, I’ll tell on you to the Hokage and he’ll make it an order. A decree. A special one, just for you. Umino Iruka has to go along with Uzumaki Naruto.”

Iruka stared at him, while Naruto flitted around the office and picked up the few personal possessions Iruka would want to take with him. He left the pile of marking behind, though.

“Naruto…”

“Ah-ah! Don’t make that face, Iruka-sensei. I guess it’s right scary with the bloodshot eyes, but at this point Annai could take you out, so let’s make a deal. I’ll pretend I’m scared if you come along quietly?”

Iruka came along.

He was seated in Naruto’s poky kitchen, given a mug of herbal tea to drink, and after that was empty he was uncompromisingly put to bed. Naruto’s bed, he guessed by the orange bedding and the pervading dog smell. It smelled almost right.

Almost like his ( _their_ ) own bed at home.


	3. Beware!

In the morning Naruto wasn’t there.

This was a cause for concern, since Naruto shouldn’t have had any other obligations… on the other hand, Naruto wasn’t the kind of a boy that could be content shut inside, so maybe he was somewhere training or running off his excess energy. Possibly chasing puppies.

Iruka unabashedly took the opportunity to reconnoiter the boy’s apartment. To his slight surprise he found the bathroom up-to-scratch, the pantry well-stocked and the premises reasonably clean. Bisuke gave him a judgmental stare for his inspection of the fridge, but Iruka ignored it in favour of pouring himself a glass of juice. He didn’t have time for tea.

“I’m your guard for the day,” Bisuke told him after a while of mutual silence.

Iruka nearly choked. “I don’t need a-”

“Yeah,” Bisuke cut him off, “and I’m a peacock. Check out my pretty, pretty plumage.” Then he apparently read Iruka’s mind, because he said: “Don’t even try it. Kakashi, Pakkun, Naruto and Rikku agreed that you need a minder, so suck it up like a shinobi, Iruka. Face it – it could have been a lot worse.”

However reluctant, Iruka had to admit that much. He was running himself ragged, while being constantly on guard in case some power-hungry dissident tried to assassinate him. If he had a guard whom he trusted to watch his back, he could focus better on the matters at hand. It should help that he now had the information he needed and could stop staking out the Hawthorn Crescent gambling dens.

“It’s ‘cause you don’t have your own summons to take care of you. And you’re Kakashi’s mate-” Bisuke wrinkled his nose in distaste, “-so that makes you Pack.”

Iruka tried not to take that personally.

“Be glad it’s me. Naruto suggested Buru-”

“ _Why_?” Iruka clenched his jaw to prevent another whine from escaping. Why Buru? Buru was easily twice Iruka’s weight and _huge_. He’d barely even fit into the classroom, and taking him into an office that was occasionally packed to bursting with irritable ninja (many of whom had Fire affinity) and important paperwork… well, it wasn’t a good idea.

Bisuke looked at him with an almost exact copy of Naruto’s skeptical look. “Something about sitting on you if necessary, though I think he just said that to make fun of Pakkun.”

Iruka sighed. He would never understand dog summoners. It just seemed to be his lot in life to love them. “What does Naruto do all day?”

Bisuke shrugged. “No idea, and I don’t want one. Please don’t give me any. That boy makes my hair rise, and that’s not a good look on me.”

“Huh?”

“It makes me look like a killer. _Yes_ , that _is_ what I am, but the point is _not to look it_. It’s like with your seduction specialists. We get close to the mark by looking harmless and cute and making people want to pet us.”

Iruka admitted that it was a fair description, with the glaring exception of Anko, who even in seduction preferred the direct method. Often skipping seduction entirely, if her stories were to be believed.

Spurred by curiosity about Naruto’s mysterious occupation, Iruka skipped his morning run (for the fifth day in a row) and dropped by the Missions Desk. Arakawa was on duty; in the past that would have meant an exercise in self-control – and it still did, but the angle of the vexation was another thing that had changed.

“Good morning, Iruka-kun,” Arakawa greeted. “I’ll be right with you; I’ll just finish with Kurenai-”

“No need,” Iruka replied, expending much effort to keep his tone even. “I know my way around.” As if he needed this brownnoser to hold his hand. Iruka- _kun_ indeed, as though they were familiar now that Iruka was technically his supervisor’s supervisor. Thank kami this was a temporary assignment.

“ _Politics_ ,” he muttered disgustedly.

“Slimy,” Bisuke quietly agreed. He hopped up onto the counter and idly watched as Arakawa handed a mission to Team Eight (all of whom had remained gennin, although there had been discussion about Shino) minus Hinata. She was still in hospital, and Iruka had to viciously suppress the urge to put his fingers around Hiashi-sama’s neck and squeeze.

He dove into the ledgers and files. He determined that Naruto had not been assigned any other missions, nor was he available to be loaned out to other teams, and apparently it was sheer diligence (and, naturally, his perpetual hyperactivity) that kept him training so much.

“Oh, you got a dog, Iruka-sensei?” chirped a familiar voice. “He’s so cute! Or is it a she?”

Iruka looked up from the missions log he was perusing and found Sakura with her hip against the counter and a hand outstretched to pet Bisuke, who wagged his tail to encourage this behaviour.

Standing off several steps to the side and pretending that he didn’t know her, Sasuke briefly looked pained before his face smoothed out again. It did not help much to make him look approachable, except that he resembled Itachi-san a little less without the scowl. His eyes had turned colder since Iruka had last seen him; even aside from the dark circles under them, this boy’s resemblance to his eight-year-old self was striking.

Understandably, Sasuke was not happy about his failure in the chuunin exams, or about being stuck on this makeshift half-team (with Kakashi temporarily acting as the Hokage, they didn’t even have a jounin sensei) that was sometimes loaned out to other teams, but most often just got assigned a D-rank mission of their own. The boredom and his perceived inadequacy must have worn on him.

“Sakura-chan,” Iruka said in greeting, and ignored her other questions. “Sasuke-kun.”

“Are you okay, sensei?” Sakura sounded genuinely worried.

“He’s overworked,” Bisuke informed her, and then chuffed a laugh as she jumped a few inches and reached for a kunai.

“Apparently recognising her own jounin-sensei’s summon is beyond the smartest kunoichi of the year,” Sasuke said to the crowd of shinobi waiting to be assigned a mission.

Ino’s peal of laughter confirmed that Team Ten was there – probably also a member short, since Shikamaru had been promoted to chuunin.

Iruka was surprised. Sasuke cultivated an air of apathy, and usually the only one who could provoke him into reacting was Naruto. Sakura must have achieved this ability recently – possibly as a side effect of the two abandoned members of the former Team Seven being forced to spend so much time together without a buffer.

Another possibility was that Sasuke’s well-maintained icy shell was falling apart, and he was about to have a stress-induced psychotic break.

Iruka reached for the nearest blank paper and wrote down in large, artless kanji:

_Inform Yakushi-san_  
_Psych. eval. on Uchiha Sa~_  
 _NOW._

He dropped it on top of the inbox and checked the clock. His first class started in seven minutes. It looked like he would get in his morning run after all.

x

After Dove confirmed the complete success of her preliminary mission, Naruto set the date of departure and then organised one last team training (which would inevitably devolve into a puppy pile) for his whole hunt.

They were interrupted half an hour into the training part by a pair of ninken walking onto the training ground. Naruto immediately recognised them, even though he had never so much as spoken to the big, black one.

“Hey Aka-chan!” he called out, and waved.

Juuji and Annai stopped wrestling and ran over. They hadn’t had a chance to meet Akamaru yet, ‘cause Aka-chan was always busy training and going on missions with Kiba, but they had heard about him from Naruto.

“I thought he’d be _red_ ,” Annai said meanly.

“I thought he’d be smaller,” said Juuji, not so much intimidated as leery.

Sure, the Aka-chan in Naruto’s stories was smaller, ‘case he’d been a puppy then. He had grown up a lot over the past year, and though he was a little younger than Annai, he was almost twice as big as Juuji.

“Don’t be jealous, guys!” Naruto implored, and then the guests were close enough to talk to without shouting, so he stood up.

Rikku appeared by his side.

Coached by Kana-san, Naruto stepped up to take care of the introductions. “Rikku, this is-”

“Kuromaru,” said Rikku. “Yo.”

“Rikku,” replied Tsume-san’s ninken. “Long time no see. Got tired of retirement?”

So, you know each other, Naruto thought. He hadn’t known that was a possibility. Still, it didn’t seem like they were old enemies or anything, so all was probably all good?

“Cool eye-patch,” commented Rikku.

“Thanks. I see you decided to forgo one.”

“All the better to disconcert the enemy.”

Naruto gaped. Rikku was being _talkative_. He hadn’t known that happened.

“Yeah, you’re lucky with how that scarred. Me, I’ve got a hole where the eyeball used to be. You wouldn’t believe the crap that gets into it, and then I’ve got to go to Tsume’s daughter like a clumsy pup and ask her to clean it out for me…”

“I can imagine. Claws that close to your brain if you don’t see what you're doing…”

They shared a knowing look. Kuromaru-san shrugged. “The patch helps. And Tsume says it makes me look dashing – I tell her she should stop saying that where people can hear, or next she’ll be accused of-”

“Okay, okay!” Naruto yelled over the two old wardogs, throwing his hands in the air. “You’re friends! That’s great! We’ll let you talk ‘bout bitches and old times and complain ‘bout the kids these days and go get some yakitori! Who’s in?!”

Everybody else was in.

“Don’t worry, Rikku, Kuro-san! We’ll bring you back some!” Naruto yelled, running down the slope with Juuji, Annai and Akamaru in tow. They didn’t stop until they were well out of earshot, and then still didn’t stop, because running was fun, and they enjoyed themselves, so they did a lap around all the training grounds on this side of the village and then slowed down to a jog as they came into the first street of the suburbs. Little family houses (like the Haruno’s) flashed by, and then the buildings got bigger as they neared the centre.

Dodging in between civilians, they arrived at one of the yakitori stands whose owner had been scared by Kana-san into treating Naruto right. Not that Naruto was worried; with a tall and toothy dog at his side civilians usually got nervously polite, and Aka-chan was nearly as big as Rikku now.

The vendor didn’t smile, but he gave Naruto all the meat he could want at a fair price and heaved a sigh of relief when the whole group trotted off to eat their spoils.

“You can’t be in our hunt,” Annai said haughtily as they seated themselves on a patch of grass.

Naruto scowled at her. “Hey-”

“He can’t,” agreed Juuji. “He’s not Pack. He’s got his own Pack. You can’t be part of two packs. Doesn’t work like that.”

Naruto couldn’t argue. He chewed his meat – it was a little too chewy, so the vendor probably gave them the worst bits that were still good enough to sell, but he didn’t mind. At least it gave him time before answering. “Yeah, I guess.” Pack was about loyalty, and if you were loyal to two things, one day you might have to decide between them. And betray one.

Aka-chan whined and lowered his head almost to his paws.

“Oh,” said Annai. She looked to Naruto, and with a whine of her own barreled into his stomach – almost making him drop his lunch – where she curled up and buried her nose in his t-shirt.

“We – we didn’t mean it like that,” Juuji said uncertainly. “Of course not. We don’t think you’d abandon your Pack. Not even for Naruto. And Naruto is awesome.”

Tears welled in Naruto’s eyes. _Juuji_ thought he was _awesome_. Sure, he was a _chuunin_ now, but this was different. This was his hunt-mate.

And it was sort of sad, too, ‘cause Aka-chan’s own hunt-mate didn’t think Aka-chan was awesome. In fact, he thought the exact same thing as Juuji and Annai had.

Kiba thought Akamaru had betrayed him. For Naruto.

“It’s ‘cause of the chuunin exams tournament, right?” Naruto was pretty sure that Kiba wouldn’t have won even if Akamaru had fought as hard as he could. Not even if Akamaru had fought _to the death_ , with the full knowledge that Naruto and Rikku wouldn’t have wanted to hurt them too badly in return.

Aka-chan had realised this the second he had spotted Rikku in the arena.

Kiba, it seemed, had not.

So he felt betrayed. And he had frozen Akamaru out.

x

“I’m leaving the village on a mission,” Naruto said later that afternoon, play-fighting with Kuromaru-san, which was a new and very fun way of training.

To give Naruto and Kuro-san a chance to talk, Rikku had taken Akamaru on a run along with Juuji and Annai. He had asked Aka-chan to show them the best spots around the village, but that was just an excuse, ‘cause Naruto already knew the best spots and showed them to his hunt. Still, Aka-chan looked happy to be wanted, so it all worked out.

“A long one?” asked Kuromaru-san, worried and thoughtful like he was already formulating another plan.

Naruto dodged a mock-bite to his hamstring and punched into a place that was already empty by the time his fist got there. They both went intentionally slow, so nobody would get hurt.

“Nah. Three or four days? Not more than a week for sure.”

“Alright.” Kuromaru-san slapped Naruto in the face with his tail in the middle of his jump; Naruto hadn’t expected that and, reeling, left his elbow open enough that the ninken’s teeth grazed him. In a real fight, that would have been his arm lost.

“I could take Aka-chan with me, if that would help?” Naruto didn’t think it would. In fact, it would probably make things worse.

Kuromaru-san circled opposite Naruto as they both searched for an opening. “Your hunt is strong enough, Naruto-kun. I shall work with Akamaru in the meantime – this would be so much easier if he would just learn to speak human, but he is so obstinate…”

Naruto ducked under a lunge and _gently_ elbowed Kuro-san in the ribs. “Nah, he can talk perfectly fine. Kiba can understand him when he tries – he’s just not trying.” Because he was feeling betrayed, and that hurt.

Oh, it hurt a lot. Naruto knew. Naruto wasn’t sure he would listen to Jiraiya or Tsunade if they tried to explain why they abandoned him when he needed them either. And these were strangers whom he hadn’t known most of their life, like Kiba had known – and loved, and taken care of – Akamaru.

x

“Forgive me.”

Kakashi intended to raise his eyebrow and inquire “For?” but there were hands – one pulling him up and out of the hateful Hokage’s chair, the other pushing his mask down. The word was stolen from his mouth. Sucked straight from his tongue, in fact.

Kakashi relaxed into the hold and enjoyed himself. No forgiveness necessary from where he was standing.

“I am terribly selfish,” Iruka muttered, lips brushing against Kakashi’s with every syllable. “I know you are busy – I told myself I shouldn’t interrupt you-”

Kakashi’s palms fitted themselves against the familiar landscape of Iruka’s hips. He fully agreed that this was terrible. He was probably leaving ink-stains on Iruka’s uniform. _Ink_ -stains.

How had it fallen to _Kakashi_ of all people to negotiate the peace treaty with Sand _and_ organise the annexation of the Land of Rice Fields at the same time?

Iruka – who usually couldn’t abide prolonged physical contact – was clinging. That’s how bad it was. “I haven’t seen you outside of work in a month-”

“Thirty-three days,” Kakashi corrected him, and dove straight into another toe-curling, blood-igniting battle of tongues.

He didn’t blame his hands at all when they moved to open Iruka’s trousers.

He did glare at Iruka’s hands, which caught his and prevented them from getting anywhere really interesting.

He pouted.

“Maybe if you didn’t have an ANBU guard, Acting Hokage-sama,” Iruka said dryly.

Kakashi redirected his glare to the ceiling.

His ANBU guard didn’t so much as twitch.

Iruka’s fingers framed Kakashi’s face; blunt nails against the flesh of his cheek made Kakashi look back down to meet a pair of softly smiling dark eyes.

“One more for luck?”

Kakashi leaned in with the solemn intention of many more, but less than half a minute later there was suddenly only cold emptiness between his hands and he was making that stupid kiss-face into sheer air. The little tease had _body-flickered_ away. A split second later Kakashi had already righted himself – mask up, composure on, attention returned to the latest treaty proposal that had arrived this morning from Wind Country (the contents of which were so jumped-up that it was almost offensive).

Kakashi jotted down the main points he wanted Konoha’s response to contain, and had the whole thing sent to the two mummies- ehm, _advisors_ to properly diplomatically formulate. He was sure Koharu would know how to insult Suna’s Acting Hokage without breaking protocol.

The office seemed to darken, to grow colder, as he reached for another piece of agenda. The vim Iruka’s visit rekindled in him was already abating.

At least Kakashi had by now discovered a couple of the Sandaime’s hiding places, so there would be loyal, steadfast _Icha Icha_ to keep him warm.

x

Naruto hugged Annai, who was staying behind to keep an eye on Jiraiya and Hato-san and carry messages if needed.

And then he hugged Aka-chan, who had been watching the exchange of goodbyes from further away, like he didn’t mean to intrude. The dog had had fun today, and forgot for a while, but now the upset weighed him down again.

He trembled in Naruto’s arms, and Naruto blinked a couple of tears out of his eyes and let them trickle down his cheeks, silently plotting to punch Kiba in the face. This wasn’t a prank-worthy offence. Kiba had hurt Akamaru, and definitely deserved a punch, but there was a misunderstanding.

“Hey,” Naruto said quietly, “I’ll be back soon enough. And if Kiba doesn’t grow a brain by then, I’ll come set him straight, yeah? I’ll shout at him until he gets it through his thick skull.”

Aka-chan’s raspy tongue licked all over Naruto’s face, wiping away the tears and leaving behind doggy drool.

Annai and Juuji were nice enough not to comment.


	4. All Bark

The bulging blue-grey clouds hung from the sky streaked with all the shades of pink and purple, segueing into vivid orange in the West where the sun had so recently sunk behind the horizon.

Iruka watched the spectacle of nature and simply breathed for a while. It felt so huge, so free – agoraphobic, almost.

He had not been out of the village proper in more than six years. He was disallowed (barring emergencies) by the order of the Third Hokage.

How lucky was he that the Acting Hokage’s direct order superseded that decree?

“You said you knew where to start,” Naruto prompted, squinting at the horizon to take in as much of the orange as he could when for once nature seemed to have created something that would appeal to him.

The location had initially seemed like a problem, since Jiraiya-sama had a long-standing agreement with Tsunade-sama that she would remain in occasional epistolary contact with him for as long as he would ‘not hear’ any information about her whereabouts. He knew – and shared with Iruka and Naruto – the Slug Sannin’s usual modus operandi, and named some places where she had stayed in the past, but he had decided that the tracking of their target should be part of the mission.

As though Iruka had needed more incentive to dislike that licentious elder.

“Tanzaku Gai,” Iruka replied.

Naruto pouted. “That’s it? Just _Tanzaku Gai_? Why _Tanzaku Gai_? What’s there? Where’s she come from? Where’s she going? _How_ do you know?”

Oh, this was satisfying. Iruka would keep his secret to himself for as long as he could, simply for having the absolute joy of watching Naruto’s squirm on the other side of this equation. Usually Naruto was the mysterious one that frustrated everyone to tears.

This was _beautiful_.

“You have your secret weapon, Naruto-kun,” Iruka said, “and I have mine.”

He closed his eyes and focused.

…there was a snake under Naruto’s sleeve; obviously Annai-chan’s counterpart. Another snake on the other side of the hill slithered up a tree trunk, scales on bark rustling very softly. A lark noticed the threat at the very last second, startled and took to wing.

Iruka followed the path of the brook, meandering, interrupted briefly by a waterfall, spray of water that would make a little rainbow on a sunny day. A toad jumped off a stone and splashed into the small pond…

Overhearing a conversation in a gambling den as he walked by it on the street was nothing.

Iruka grinned. “Let’s go, Naruto.”

x

They ran through the night and camped close to the village, but still deep enough in the forest that no one travelling on the road could hear them.

They sat side by side and ate their rations. Naruto longingly thought of ramen.

“You have your part ready?” Iruka inquired.

Naruto had decided that if Iruka was going to be closemouthed about his secret information-gathering skills, then Naruto would be closemouthed in return. It wasn’t easy. But Naruto had managed – until now.

The mission had to be the first priority, so Naruto had to reveal as much of the plan as necessary.

“Ideally I’d be a girl for this,” he grumbled, “but she’s a medic, and she’s stinking good. She’ll be able to tell if I go in with a jutsu. I can still mostly pass for a girl if I try, but kimono and make-up aren’t really practical, and there’s still the iryounin’s anatomy knowledge, so she’d probably make me anyway. Best not give her anything to see through.”

According to Pakkun she wasn’t a sensor, but she did have a medic’s grasp on chakra. When it came to skills an undercover operative’s mark could have, only blood limits were more difficult to subvert.

Iruka-sensei watched him doubtfully. That was sorta hurtful. “Tsunade-sama is a kunoichi, Naruto. Of course she’ll look underneath the underneath.”

Naruto rolled his eyes and chewed another mouthful of the bird-poo stick that ninja stores sold as food. “That’s what I’ve got you for.”

“ _I_ can’t pass for a girl-”

“I bet you could.” Naruto grinned.

Iruka didn’t blush, as Naruto half-expected him to, but his eyes narrowed a fraction, like he was remembering a time when he could and totally _did_ pass for a girl. And kicked butt while doing it. Naruto resolved to wheedle that story out of him – at a better time, though.

“Not without a jutsu,” the man specified.

“Yeah, okay,” Naruto conceded. Not with those shoulders, or that jaw line. Although, who knew? The right style of clothes and make-up could do wonders. It would have depended on the mark. “But between the two of us we can make enough layers for her to peel back and see under so she’ll be satisfied. Especially if what she finds _underneath_ is exactly the sort of crap she’d expect.”

Iruka frowned as the realisation dawned. “And by _crap she’d expect_ -”

The mocking quotation was all the chastisement he gave Naruto, which was almost like accepting that Naruto was a real ninja and had the full right to foul language – score!

“-you mean low-key child abuse, negligence, criminal complacency… did I miss anything?”

“Self-righteous violence?” Naruto suggested. People got pretty loud and aggressive when they felt they were in the right. Especially when they felt they could exercise that right without getting into trouble, but getting into trouble stopped mattering to most of them when they got drunk, so same difference.

“Basically,” Iruka continued, voice lowering to a sort of a hiss that gave Naruto the creeps, and hands tightening on a handy stick of wood that served as a substitute for someone’s neck (and which started splintering under his fingers), “the _typical_ jinchuuriki treatment.”

Naruto shrugged. It was what it was. He had friends now, and it was all better.

Besides, back when it was really bad he hadn’t even really understood how bad it was, so it all just sort of made him confused and sad. It was only Kana-san – and then Ya-san, and Juuji and Annai – that showed him how people were supposed to treat one another.

“She already knows, I’m sure,” Naruto said. It was another thing that had made him sad and confused for a while – the knowledge that he did have a Godfather and a Godmother out there, and they were both healthy (if not exactly alright) and that neither of them had ever even talked to him. “The Toad Sage keeps tabs on everything, and I’d guess the jinchuuriki is a pretty big something, where Konoha is concerned.”

“Funnily enough…” Iruka spoke with an odd look in his eye. It wasn’t his scary teacher expression – no, this was something far more dangerous, that something which probably scared jounin into being polite and filling in their paperwork when Iruka-sensei manned the Missions Desk. “…I once swore revenge on Jiraiya-sama.”

This was unexpected. Naruto opened his mouth to demand this story as well – but then caught himself. Mission first. There would be time for this later.

Naruto already had a huge respect for Iruka-sensei, and Iruka-sensei still kept surprising him by being more awesome than Naruto had ever known. _Wow_.

“Not, like, the _Sasuke_ kind of revenge?” he asked. Hopefully not. ‘cause that would be… awkward.

Iruka-sensei shook his head. “No, nothing nearly as misguided or as ineffectual.”

Naruto couldn’t make head or tail of that statement. Sure, the Lamppost was about the last Konoha gennin that could effectively plan and execute a mission, ‘cause he’d get tripped up every step of the way by being obvious, and talking about the objective to anyone who stood still long enough to listen and, oh, by ignoring most of his assets (like, for just a totally random example, his teammates).

But _misguided_?

Even Naruto admitted that having his whole family murdered was a pretty good reason to want to kill the murderer. He had never had a problem with Sasuke wanting to grow up to be an assassin. It was what they all did. That was the whole point of going to the Academy – they wanted to be _ninja_. Sasuke just had some personal motivation on top of that.

It was just, Sasuke was really obnoxious about it. And even obnoxiousness could be excused – there _were_ shinobi like Shikamaru and Ino and _Kiba_ – but he was also… what did Ya-san call it?

_Self-defeating_.

You didn’t want a teammate like that. Chances were they’d drag you down with them. If they refused to listen, it was better to just let them go do what they wanted to do and watch them die in a blaze from a safe distance.

Okay. Maybe it was _misguided_. ‘cause Sasuke didn’t actually have anyone that would _guide_ him. Wasn’t that supposed to be Dog-sensei’s job? Dog-sensei should show his students how to assassinate people without getting themselves killed, shouldn’t he?

Eh, food for thought on another day.

“So,” Naruto concluded, “you’d welcome the chance to make Jiraiya rue the day he crossed you?” Iruka-sensei didn’t seem like he wanted to kill the guy. Of course, that didn’t mean anything. Sensei understood the meaning of the word ‘subtlety’, so he wouldn’t look murderous at all if he felt truly homicidal.

It was part of what made him so scary.

Iruka-sensei nodded. “He once stole something precious from me and used it against someone I cared about.”

Naruto felt something in him harden. They were all ninja, sure – but there were lines you didn’t cross. Hard lines. And if someone crossed them, you didn’t let that person get away with it.

That was what _Pack_ meant.

That was Naruto’s ninja way.

x

Iruka woke up to Naruto crouching by the fire and poking at it with a stick.

“I’m a clone,” said the Naruto before Iruka tested his sturdiness with one of the little stones liberally scattered on the ground. Iruka had several bruises from those stones, even through the layer of his bedroll.

“Tea?” he inquired.

The clone rose to its feet. “I’ll get right on it, sensei.”

Iruka didn’t ask where the original was. He watered a friendly bush, then took a detour by the creek and eventually followed his ears to a clearing in the woods where he found Naruto sitting demurely on an overturned tree trunk and conversing with a hornbeam.

“…I just felt so lonely…” Naruto was saying in a low, plaintive voice that made him sound three to four years younger. There was a wholly unfamiliar air of helplessness around him. “…he saved my life when he found me. The people…” He sniffled. “They can be so mean, and I didn’t even do anything to them – honest, I promise! But he found me, and saved me, and he’s my hero!” Naruto wiped at the corners of his eyes, where moisture had gathered. “At first he don’t want me to come with him, ‘cause he’s so busy and people always think mean things ‘bout him, but then we met with Uncle Jir-”

Naruto stopped. Frowned. Moved his fingers as though he were counting, or playing a harp, and a while later shifted to appear younger and frailer again.

“At first he didn’t want me to come along,” he repeated, “‘cause he travels a lot, and he’s busy, but we met up with Raiya-ji, and they fought – I was scared Raiya-ji would hurt Ji-san, but now I know he never would!”

“What are you doing?” Iruka inquired, part-fascinated, part-worried.

 “Constructing my cover,” Naruto replied, looking uncharacteristically serious. “Ya-san says that _authenticity is the root of success, and you can’t have authenticity without practice_.”

Iruka really, really needed to meet this mysterious Ya-san. To shake his hand. His _paw_ , that was. ‘Raiya-ji’ as the shortened, familiar version of ‘Jiraiya-ji-san’ wasn’t something someone came up with on the spot, so that already lent credence to Naruto’s persona’s otherwise bland background.

Iruka critically surveyed the boy from feet – in mud-stained shinobi sandals – to his head – blond hair matted and dulled with dust. Naruto had changed into some of his oldest clothes, although, thankfully, the orange part of his wardrobe didn’t make an appearance. It seemed like he was intentionally going for minimum vividness.

Aside from the yellowish brown hair and blue eyes, the brightest bit of colour on him was an orange-and-black snake curled around his upper arm. A long acquaintance with Anko had acclimatised Iruka to snakes acting as accessories; the intelligence apparent in the snake’s gaze proved that it was a summon.

“Yeah, _Hato-san_ let Shikake-chan come along with me,” Naruto confirmed.

Shikake-chan hissed, but in a friendly manner.

“It’s gonna be fun,” Naruto assured her.

“With all due respect, Shikake-chan,” Iruka said, “I’m not sure a snake sends the right message. If you want an animal you rescued so you can complete the image of the quintessential waif, you’d do better if you found a bird with a broken wing.” _Catch a bird and break its wing_ was what Iruka meant. Fortunately, he had the presence of mind to censor himself. “Or rescued a kitten from the dumpster.”

Naruto grimaced. “Bite your tongue, sensei.”

“Puppy, then,” Iruka amended, rolling his eyes. He took a seat on the log next to his young friend.  He heard that the water for their tea was close to the boiling point, and Naruto’s clone opened the tin with the tea leaves – slowly, as if it was worried it might scratch an heirloom. As if Iruka brought anything precious along on a mission.

Well, anything precious _except_ his favourite student. His partner’s student. The closest thing they had to a family.

“Huh,” Naruto mused. His fingers let out a soft susurrus as they stroked along Shikake’s spine. “I could take Juuji, but he’s not very… eh…”

“Cute,” Iruka supplied. Then he grinned. “You’d need someone like Bisuke.”

Naruto solemnly nodded. “Bisuke is very cute.”

“He’s _professionally_ cute,” Iruka corrected. “And definitely not a puppy anymore, but if he can make himself look like one, he’ll make _you_ look relatively smaller. Fragile even, maybe.” Naruto had a little of the Senju grace in him – casting doubts on the Yondaime’s actual parentage.

“That’s a definite maybe…” He hopped off his perch and stood in the initial stance of a kata. “But Bisuke’s not a hunt-mate.” He went through the motions of the kata, paused, and started another one. And another one. After a couple of minutes he suddenly messed up a kick, barely avoided a sprained ankle when he landed wrong, and whirled around with a grin. “I’ve got an idea!”

Iruka shivered.

Shikake-chan, who had remained unconcerned throughout the whole impromptu training, hissed again.

Naruto nodded to her. “Yeah, that’s ground rules. No one’s going to bite anyone.”

Because, Iruka thought helplessly, shaking his head, _biting_ was their greatest worry.

x

Naruto and Shikake-chan looked at one another after Iruka-sensei went off to drink his tea.

“Let’s never tell him you’re poisonous enough to kill a shinobi in one bite,” he suggested.

Shikake-chan moved her head from side to side – the interpretative dance for _I couldn’t care less, so if that’s what you want, mammal_ …


	5. Puppy Appreciation

They took only one day for recon.

Iruka-sensei had always known _everything_ that happened in his classroom. It didn’t matter if he was writing on the blackboard, if he was busy marking while the students were supposed to quietly read, if he was _outside the classroom_ at the time. It was impossible to get anything past him.

Ya-san had told Naruto that the word was ‘omniscient’ and then laughed. A lot. Probably because Ya-san was a teacher, too, and they had their special secret teacher techniques.

“It’s not just at the Academy,” Naruto breathed, amazed.

“Huh?” inquired Iruka-sensei, who had just returned from his run around the village with damn near all the information they needed. He knew which inn Tsunade stayed at, the location of her room, the amount of alcohol she had drunk since she had been _politely asked to leave_ the gambling house after she had spectacularly lost nearly all her money _and_ the amount of alcohol she could still afford to buy before she would be _politely asked to leave_ the inn, too.

He spoke of Tsunade’s assistant Shizune, and of the pet pig they for some inexplicable reason had with them.

“Guess it’s better than slugs?” Naruto mused. He hadn’t ever had a conversation with a slug, but those that he had seen were all… boring. A pig was definitely less boring. But he couldn’t imagine that a pig would be happy living in rooms at taverns and inns and hotels. “Maybe they’re keeping it for when they run out of money? Pigs have good meat.”

As he had learnt when he was little. Pork was so good that Naruto couldn’t live without it, even knowing that piggies died to make bacon. A life of a shinobi was full of death.

“They are already running out of money,” Iruka-sensei pointed out. “Usually they wait until they run dry, and then Tsunade-sama accepts a commission somewhere close by. She earns money, then finds another gambling house to lose it at, and another inn to drink until she can’t pay. And then does it all over again.”

Naruto thought that was about the most wasted life he could imagine for a ninja.

“We’ll need to do it tonight,” Iruka said decisively.

x

Rikku brought Naruto to the Pack’s dimension without protest, although he did not for a second believe that Naruto would get what he wanted. He followed his human partner out of curiosity, and also out of worry that Tsutsuji would try to rip the boy’s throat out.

Rikku wouldn’t have been surprised.

“Hey, Donguri-san!” Naruto called out cheerfully as they approached the house on the slope of the hill.

Donguri was outside, being climbed over by five pups. It was all terribly domestic, and Rikku might have wondered for a moment whether he hadn’t missed out on something, having never taken mate, but there wasn’t any point in indulging that train of thought.

He had been a member of a great, famous, fearsome hunt once. And now he had another hunt: a second chance in some aspects, but in others a brand new experience. The way Naruto led them was… different. Unique.

Granted, he had started out as a child that didn’t have any idea of what he was doing, and just did it all on instinct. And the other members that joined were his adopted pup-siblings, so the hunt ended up being less of a military unit and more of a family.

Rikku sighed, watching as Naruto threw himself onto the ground next to Donguri and rubbed all the bellies that were offered. Inari wept.

“So,” Naruto said after all the greeting belly-rubs were completed, “d’you think Tsutsuji-san will eviscerate me if I suggest taking Haku-chan on a training trip?”

“Yes,” Donguri replied without hesitation.

“Oh, well.” Naruto shrugged. “Wish me luck. Rikku, it’s been an honour.” And before anyone could stop him, he rose on all four and leapt straight for the house.

Rikku thought words that would have scorched off the pups’ ears; the look Donguri exchanged with him suggested that they both were expecting a disaster.

But there was quiet.

There was a long quiet.

The puppies got bored of the anticipation and ran around, chasing one another’s tails, nipping playfully at ears and batting their paws.

After an interminably long time Tsutsuji trotted out of the house. Alone. She dropped onto her belly next to Donguri and leaned into his side. The puppies immediately ran back to climb over their mother.

Rikku felt his heart in his throat.

He was on his paws and half-way to the door before Naruto came out, rubbing at the red print of a complete set of canine teeth around his throat. He was grinning. “Guess what, Haku-chan! We’re going on an adventure!”

Rikku gaped with an open maw. How did Naruto do these things?

x

“Did you finally manage to escape?” inquired Jiraiya, not looking up from the seal design he was crafting.

Kakashi dropped a take-away container from Yakiniku-Q onto the table. “Switched out with a shadow clone after I finally got rid of the Elders.” For the second time. Old people had entirely too much time on their hands, and couldn’t think of anything more constructive to do with it than whinge at Kakashi.

“Working lunch, huh?” Jiraiya muttered and put down his pencil. “Yeah, I could eat.”

“How’s it going?” Kakashi inquired, glancing at the design interspersed with chicken-scratch notes.

“Fine, fine…” Jiraiya closed his eyes and rested his forehead on a clenched fist, as if he only just now noticed that he had a thundering headache. “Days like this I miss Minato.”

So did Kakashi. Every day on this assignment from hell. He would never understand why Minato-sensei _wanted_ to be Hokage. “Fortunately, you don’t need to have it done in half an hour to save the village.”

Jiraiya goggled at him. “Since when are _you_ an optimist?”

x

When Naruto wandered into the inn with a puppy in his arms and a snake coiled around his arm, looking picture-perfect pathetic, Iruka was already seated at a table in the summer garden outside and slowly sipping his beer.

“You lost, kid?” asked the barkeeper, leaning over the counter to take a closer look. Then he noticed the snake and changed his mind about _closer_. “What the hell is that thing?!”

“Oh, this?” Naruto happily raised his arm as much as he could without losing his grip on the puppy, to show off his serpent guardian. “It’s Shikake-hime! Oro-ji-chan gave her to me, and she keeps an eye on me ‘cause people sometimes aren’t very nice to me. She’s beautiful, ain’t she? And smart. And strong! She’s sorta like my body guard, only better, ‘cause she can hide and then ssssh! She hisses and scares mean people away!

First it occurred to Iruka that he should have demanded that Naruto familiarise him with his cover, because the touch with Orochimaru and snake summons was masterful, but also stupidly risky, and completely out of the left field.

Then it occurred to Iruka that Tsunade-sama had never had a gennin team to teach. She had grown up with genius teammates, and taken care of her orphaned apprentice, and never learnt what _normal_ thirteen-year-olds were like. She might not have been able to tell that this performance was on the extreme side of childishness for that age.

“Oro-ji-chan, huh?” Tsunade-sama inquired, suddenly very interested in the babbling boy.

Naruto turned away from the barkeep, who was practically clinging to the far wall in fear of the snake. His eyes, improbably big for his face, alit on Tsunade-sama. “You _know_ Oro-ji-chan?”

_For kami’s sake, Naruto_! Iruka cried in his mind.

“Let me see the snake,” Tsunade-sama demanded.

Naruto eagerly showed Shikake-chan off. “Ain’t she pretty? The prettiest! She’s _orange_!”

Tsunade-sama apparently recognised a snake summon, and then suddenly somehow Naruto was sitting on the bench opposite her, scarfing down peanuts by the handful and regaling the Slug Sannin with tales about his _awesome ji-chan_ who was _really scary, but not scary to Naruto, but scary to other people who were mean to Naruto_. And about that one time they met someone that _wanted to hurt Oro-ji-chan but changed his mind_ and turned out to be an old teammate.

“Oro-ji-chan is weirdly close to Raiya-ji.” Naruto leaned in closer to the Senju princess and spoke softly, confidentially, with a little grimace of disgust: “I’m pretty sure they’re _doing it_.”

Iruka choked on his spit and thanked his long acquaintance with Kakashi (and the consequent passing familiarity with Jiraiya-sama himself) for his ability to keep his composure in the face of such outrageousness. He was convinced that _Ero Ero Paradigm_ had been written to prepare him for this exact moment.

Tsunade-sama herself did not fare much better than Iruka. She opened and closed her mouth twice; Iruka was fairly sure that her face had changed colour, but her jutsu covered it up. Finally, she took a deep breath and leaned closer to Naruto in turn, with the same air of confidentiality. “Between you and me, I knew they were headed that way already when they were your age. I _told them so_!”

She cackled, leaned back on the bench and emptied three cups of sake down her throat. “Ha! I won the bet! Hiruzen-sensei owes me!”

Naruto finally seemed surprised by something that happened. He blinked, and blinked again, as if unsure what to do now when his bluff had been so spectacularly subverted, but in a true Naruto fashion decided to just run with it.

“Eww,” he said, wrinkling his nose. “They’re like… like my parents or something. I mean, not real parents, but I wouldn’t want them to be, ‘cause I don’t want to think about them making babies. How would they even? I mean, Oro-ji-chan did all sort of weird stuff, so I guess he could make himself preggers, but _eww_!”

Tsunade laughed so hard that Iruka was actually a little scared for her. He abandoned his beer and stepped inside the room to keep an eye on the situation.

He wasn’t the only one either. Shizune-san ran down the stairs in panic, and then stared at her teacher who was laughing her assets off at a small filthy boy.

“Who died?” she asked quietly, wide-eyed at the spectacle.

“No one _yet_ ,” Iruka informed her grimly. He felt like it was only a matter of time. Hopefully it would not be him.

“Nah,” said Tsunade-sama, wiping her eyes. “He’d just grow a kid in an incubator.” Then the amusement rapidly drained from her face – she must have remembered what Orochimaru did with the kids he had. “You!” she shouted and stabbed her finger in the air in Iruka’s direction.

Here it was. Iruka _was_ going to die.

“You are a Konoha ninja.”

Iruka clenched his fists and scowled. He gathered chakra for the dreaded big-head jutsu but then pretended to hesitate and let it disperse in deference to Tsunade-sama’s presence. The image of an educator habitually abusing his charges was only hinted at, but he didn’t need more than the impression of rage and lack of self-containment to create a cause for concern.

“I was sent by this brat’s _legal_ guardian to get him back to the village before they declare him missing. We can’t afford to have a you-know-what on the loose. It’s a fucking embarrassment already-”

“Ir-iruka-sensei…” Naruto stammered. There were tears in his eyes.

This was one of the most painful things Iruka had ever done on a mission. He remembered when he had _actually_ felt that way – never hateful enough to say so out loud, or to act on those feelings, because there was duty and obedience and personal integrity that did not allow him to personally victimise the jinchuuriki. But he had stood to the side and watched others do so without speaking up against it.

Shame welled in his gut, and he showed that self-disgust on his face, integrating it into the act. “You’ve had your fun, Uzumaki. Start walking before I _make you_. And believe me, you don’t fucking want me to _make you_.” He sneered.

Naruto gulped. His jaw tightened. There was a moment – Iruka could see it clearly – when Naruto slipped into the trap of believing Iruka’s act, but fortunately Haku was there, squirming in his arms and licking his face, reminding him what was real and what an illusion.

“Alright,” Naruto said, trying to sound defiant, but coming across teary. “I’ll just say goodbye-”

“You’ll be outside in thirty seconds, or I’ll drag you. And get rid of that mangy animal-”

“Now wait just a minute!” Tsunade stood up from the bench. She wavered a little, but righted herself.

Her glare sent shivers down Iruka’s spine.

He knew it. He was going to die. Kakashi was going to bitterly regret sending him on this crapshoot of a mission-

Shizune-san tried to save him. “Shinobi-san-”

“Miss,” Iruka cut in, deliberately not acknowledging her as a kunoichi (she wasn’t officially one), “my mission is to apprehend Uzumaki and bring him back where he belongs. Don’t stand in my way.” He laced the order with a tiny amount of killing intent, not so much to intimidate her (he didn’t want to die under Tsunade-sama’s fists) as to assure her that he was being serious.

“It’s- it’s okay,” Naruto said pathetically. He hunched in on himself and snuck out of Tsunade-sama’s reach while she was deciding if she cared enough to do anything about the situation. “Iruka-sensei is alright, really!” He couldn’t have made that sound less believable if he tried.

Iruka wanted to stab his undercover self in the kidneys.

“March!” he ordered instead, and made sure that the smack he directed at the back of Naruto’s head didn’t connect.

He exited the inn on Naruto’s heels and kept a very close ear on what was happening behind them. He didn’t think of himself as someone who scared easily, but he was terrified of those women. Despite her technical civilian status, Shizune-san herself would have been able to turn Iruka into a pile of beef jerky.

Tsunade-sama… oh dear kami.

“Do we run now?” Naruto whispered once they reached the end of the main street, holding Haku-chan close to his chest.

Iruka nodded. “Let’s.”

They ran.

x

They hit the river, ran a couple of miles on the water, and then delved into the forest on the other side. Naruto had littered the woods with shadow clones instructed to Henge into plants, stand guard and dispell if they noticed anything suspicious at all.

Iruka-sensei finally lost that pinched expression. He flopped down onto the ground and (with liberal use of killing intent) growled a local honey badger into leaving them alone and walking away.

Naruto and Haku were both deeply impressed.

“And that wraps up your first mission, Haku-chan!” Naruto smiled at the puppy and scratched between his ears. “You’ve been awesome!”

The puppy yawned and turned huge brown eyes at Naruto. Then he licked Naruto’s nose.

Naruto sniffled. “I love you too, Haku-chan.” He scratched again, and then stroked the puppy’s back with a palm that for the second time ever seemed somehow huge. It was still a young boy’s hand, but it was big and hard and strong compared to the soft, fragile creature under it.

Naruto had killed with that hand.

He was amazed Tsutsuji let him anywhere near Haku, but then, Haku and Naruto were connected. Whatever happened, they were family in that weird way he couldn’t really describe. It was more than Pack, different than hunt-mates. Naruto would take on the world for Haku.

“I gotta get you back to your Mum now,” he said quietly. “Or she’ll come hunt me down and rend my flesh from my bones. Just like I would do to anyone that tried to take you away.”

Haku quietly yipped and batted one soft paw against Naruto’s chin. For a while they clung to one another, and then Naruto bit his thumb and cast the summoning jutsu.

Rikku appeared, bringing Tsutsuji with him. She seemed frantic, and jumped on Naruto a moment later, nosing at her puppy, identifying the strange smells on him and checking that he was unharmed.

Haku yipped at her, too.

“Good hunt, Naruto?” inquired Rikku.

“So far,” Naruto confirmed. The Line had been cast; it was time for the Sinker. “Now it’s our turn to play the prey. We run. The mark follows.”

“Good luck, Naruto-kun,” said Tsutsuji, pinning the squirming Haku to the ground with one large, hairy paw. “I’ll take this little rascal home now. It’s way past his bedtime.”

She poofed away before Naruto could tell her how awesome Haku was, and how much fun they had had.


	6. A Bone to Pick

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don’t know if I already addressed the Henge vs Oiroke matter. So, just in case. My headcanon is that Naruto can’t do Henge. It’s a genjutsu; he’s bad at genjutsu. Just like the basic bunshin at the Academy (also a genjutsu!), Henge would take too little chakra with too precise control. However, Naruto had unknowingly created a workaround, in that the transformation he does is actually physical.
> 
> Kage Henge, or Shadow Transformation, if you want. (This will be sort of important later on in TYN-verse.) What he refers to as ‘Oiroke’ is this, because of the original Oiroke no Jutsu with the underdressed busty woman.
> 
> Konohamaru can do Henge (but could not do the chakra-intensive Kage Henge, just like with clones), so when he transforms into a busty woman, it’s just genjutsu.

“Boss! Boss, you’re back!”

Iruka should have known they wouldn’t be able to get through the gates without being spotted. Their welcoming committee consisted of three overexcited pre-gennin, who should have been in class right now.

“Down!” Naruto ordered. “Sit!”

Konohamaru continued jumping up and down like a rubber ball; Moegi registered the insult, pulled down her lower eyelid and stuck out her tongue. Udon reflexively went to sit, then noticed that he was the only one and tried to cover for the motion, which just overbalanced him straight into Moegi and ended up with the two children forming a cursing pile of limbs on the pavement.

“Home, sweet home,” Naruto muttered sideways to Iruka, who was having a little trouble keeping his face straight.

“What did you three do now?” Iruka surreptitiously checked the skyline for pillars of smoke. The sky was clear blue, with fluffy clouds here and there – the sort of weather Shikamaru preferred for meditation.

Konohamaru stopped jumping and gave Iruka a suspicious look through his fringe. “How cool is this guy really, nii-chan?”

“Depends…” Naruto mused, tapping his stuck-out lower lip with his forefinger. “Did they deserve it?”

“They deserved worse!” yelled the kids, almost in unison.

“Just tell me that the Academy is still standing?” Iruka begged, crossing his fingers for luck. Surely these three could not be half as destructive without Naruto’s guidance as they were with it?

Udon finally disentangled himself from Moegi, stood up straight and saluted. “No buildings were harmed, Iruka-sensei.”

“Not much, anyway,” Konohamaru added, shuffling his feet.

“Out with it!” Naruto ordered. He tugged on Konohamaru’s scarf to get him to trundle along. The two cohorts followed automatically. “Iruka-sensei, you’re coming, too. We’ll need damage control, and I’ve got the perfect idea for a debriefing location.”

“Does this idea involve ramen?” inquired Iruka, wise to at least some of Naruto’s ways.

Four pairs of puppy dog eyes were turned at him, full-power.

He sighed. “If I feed you, will you give me a comprehensive report?”

“Deal!”

x

“He called me _the Honourable Grandson_ ,” Konohamaru muttered darkly.

“I’m sold,” Naruto agreed immediately. He turned to his _fellow chuunin_ (how cool was that?!) to explain: “That _is_ a prank-worthy offence already.”

Iruka-sensei didn’t understand, obviously, but he didn’t argue either. Maybe he was just waiting for them to implicate themselves further, but Naruto sort of got the feeling that Iruka wasn’t taking this seriously at all.

He was doing Hokage-related things most of the time, and going on missions to trick Sannin, so maybe he decided that he could delegate the problem of three tiny pranksters to Naruto.

To _fellow chuunin_ Naruto.

So, _so_ cool.

Naruto wanted to hug him.

“And he was, like, slimy about it,” added Moegi. “You know, like how some people just drop it ‘cause it’s what they hear everybody call him, so Kono-kun rolls his eyes and that’s it, but then there’s the other type…” She turned to Udon, who put down his chopsticks and obediently filled in the conclusion.

“The sort that sound like they want to touch Kono-kun just so they feel a little of the Sandaime’s awesomeness rub off on them.”

Iruka’s eyes went narrower and narrower, until they were just slits. “ _Touch_ ,” the man repeated dangerously. “ _Rub off_.”

“Oh, puke.” Konohamaru went so green in the face that it looked like he might.

“Uh, not literally?” Udon protested, but he didn’t sound certain. Much less convincing.

“Wait,” Iruka said, “are we talking about Daikoku-sensei? Funeno Daikoku?”

Naruto exchanged glances with the three troublemakers in training and knowingly nodded. “He did the exact same thing to Sasuke. He was all ‘ _if you need anything at all, Uchiha-kun’_ , and ‘ _my door’s always open’_ and ‘ _let me lick your feet, Young Master’_. It was creepy. Shikamaru organized a watch for a few weeks, just in case, but then it turned out Fune-face really wanted to put _only_ his head in Sasuke’s butt. And not, like, literally. _Yeaowch_ , though.”

“I don’t want anything in my butt!” Konohamaru cried out, leaping to his feet and clutching at his pants.

The entire street turned to look at him.

So did both the Ichiraku on the other side of the counter.

Konohamaru’s formerly green face turned bright red. A cloud of smoke covered him; after it dispersed, there was a busty young woman sitting in Kono’s chair, slurping down Kono’s ramen.

“You’re getting better at that,” Naruto praised.

Iruka-sensei agreed. “You have great potential, Konohamaru-kun. It’s a pity you don’t show it in class.”

The young lady in Kono-kun’s spot scratched the back of her neck, laughed sheepishly, and then conceded: “I’ll make you a deal, sensei. You come back to teach us, and I’ll make an effort.”

“Suzume,” Moegi grumbled from the side, and elbowed Lady Kono in the ribs hard enough to disrupt the Henge and revert the boy to his usual appearance.

The boy nodded. “Another condition. You’ve gotta help us set up a prank on Suzume-baba.”

“Suzume- _sensei_ ,” Iruka-sensei corrected. Half-heartedly.

The kids rolled their eyes.

“She’s a florist, not a kunoichi!” Moegi yelled. “So maybe she can walk on walls – but we only found out ‘cause there was a spider in the classroom and it terrified her. What did she expect when she brought in a basket of wildflowers? A butterfly?”

“Butterflies are creepy,” muttered Udon. “One of the most popular bases for confounding genjutsu-”

“Right you are, little boy,” drawled Hato-san, appearing out of nowhere with just the slightest smattering of leaves around her ankles.

Udon squealed and leapt in the air, but Dove’s sure hand caught him by his belt and deposited him safely back in his seat.

“No need to panic. I’ve already eaten.” She enjoyed the naked fear on their faces for a few moments before she put them out of their misery – it was uncharacteristically nice of her, but she seemed to be in a good mood and they were great kids, so. “I gotta have words with the _chibi_ here – only he’s not so much of a _chibi_ anymore, are you, _chuunin_ -chan?”

Trust Dove to try and mock Naruto for his promotion. Her jibe didn’t even connect properly; Naruto was filled to bursting with pride, and every time Iruka-sensei treated him as an equal or respected his decision made a sort of a balloon blow up inside his chest. Naruto felt like he could have walked on air if he tried.

“Getting bigger by the day,” Naruto replied, and offered her his best leer. “Wanna see, _tokujo-chan_?”

Iruka-sensei clapped his hands over his ears. “I can’t hear this! Naruto, for the love of kami-sama, don’t let me hear this! Let me have my illusions!”

Naruto couldn’t quite ignore Dove, since she was beautiful and warm and smelled good – he didn’t mind snakes; they were cool; Shikake-chan was a great teammate – and draped herself over his back, so he could feel the swells of her breasts pressing to his ribs. But he did his best to appear calm through his near-terminal blush as he turned to his former teacher. “Sorry, Iruka-sensei. Pakkun said I need to practice more and Hato-san offered.”

“Just take it out of my presence!” Iruka belatedly noticed the red-faced students gaping at Naruto and his second-favourite ANBU with slack jaws. “And not in front of the children!”

x

Iruka unsealed the apartment, stepped in and sighed. He could tell that Kakashi hadn’t been in since Iruka had left the village.

He briefly entertained the thought of spinning on his heel and stomping straight to the Hokage Tower, but eventually decided that he needed a meal and at least four hours of sleep before he could be expected to give his report.

x

Naruto woke up in a meadow. He blinked a few times, squinted, and finally realised where he was.

Off to the right lived Kana-san and Ya-san. Little ways up the grassy slope was Tsutsuji-san’s and Donguri-san’s house, transformed from a rock formation with a Doton jutsu.

He leapt to his feet. He needed a quick wash in the brook, but after that he was going to tell Tsutsuji and Donguri all about how great Haku was and how awesomely he had acted, and then he would tell Kana-san everything about the mission that Juuji and Annai hadn’t told her yet, and maybe they would go out for one of those fiddly creamy cakes from the really expensive bakery!

x

Dove dropped from the roof and crossed the street to get to Naruto.

The chibi was examining the window display of the patisserie. No one bothered him, since he was in one of his favourite civilian disguises – the rich young trophy wife, pretty but a little vapid, with a surprisingly good fashion sense. His kimono showed a little more skin than was strictly proper; his earrings and necklace looked like they might have been actual garnets. And then there was the border collie calmly sitting by his side, wearing a matching garnet collar.

If the woman had been real, Anko might have gone for her – she looked like she would be good for a few rolls in the hay. Or out of it. Anko wasn’t picky.

She grimaced under her mask. Flirting with Naruto-chan for practice was okay, but he was a baby. She would always see him as the four-year-old her ANBU unit had had to rescue during the Kyuubi Festival, and that was the biggest turn-off ever.

“The rat is in the trap,” she said, standing by Naruto’s side and glancing at the selection of colourful tarts.

Naruto-chan bowed to her, as civilians often would to the high-ranking ninja, and said in a soft, melodious voice: “I am high-fiving you in my mind, kunoichi-sama.”

Anko snorted. She ignored the exasperated look the collie gave them both.

“I’ll pass your high five to the one that confirmed the sighting.” She giggled. Grasshopper was one of the least obnoxious Hyuuga she had ever worked with, but even she was so uptight that the idea of clapping hands with someone as a gesture of mutual victory would probably explode her brain. “Around half past nine, Northern gate. She was alone, but the apprentice and the – _pig_?-” Anko wasn’t entirely clear on this point, and hoped that it didn’t refer to another Jiraiya-type. “-came in about an hour after her.”

Naruto-chan didn’t manage to keep his face serene, but he did mute his grin to an elated smile that did somehow belong onto that pretty, made-up face. “Kana-san,” he said to the dog, “could you please drop in on Umino-sama and let him know? We shall meet him at Jiraiya-dono’s lodgings.”

To collie gracefully rose to her feet and grumbled: “Do at least try to stay out of trouble, pup.” She walked away at a sedate pace, crowds parting in front of her as though the people somehow subconsciously understood that this perfumed ball of fluff could have ripped their throats out without even breaking stride.

“You’re freakishly good at this,” Anko remarked. She wasn’t usually given to complimenting people, but this boy wasn’t fourteen yet and she _would_ have fallen for it if she hadn’t known better.

“I have had a lot of practice, kunoichi-sama,” Naruto demurred, and then moved to the door of the patisserie, since there was no need to hurry and the confectionery on display was truly very alluring. “But I could not hope to fool a shinobi.”

Anko conceded that taking a break with sweets was a great idea. Speaking of great ideas, she turned a porcelain mask at her chibi friend. “Bet?”

x

Iruka didn’t expect that his first meeting with Naruto’s step-mother – there was no question of Kana-san’s role in the boy’s life – would be her walking into the Missions Desk office under a Henge and demanding that he step out with her to receive a confidential message.

He didn’t even have the time to introduce himself properly before she repeated Naruto’s news, released her summoning and left him standing in the hallway alone.

That was the explanation he offered to Jiraiya-sama after knocking on the door of his hotel room.

Jiraiya-sama briefly stared at Iruka like he suspected him of making this whole thing up – as though Iruka had that wild an imagination! – and eventually conceded that it was the kind of thing that happened in Konoha. Occasionally.

“Go sit down somewhere. And don’t try to peek – that’s top secret stuff!” He waved his hand toward the desk where lay what Iruka didn’t doubt for a second was the draft of the newest _Icha Icha_.

Iruka took a seat on the tatami. And waited.

Fortunately, he didn’t have to wait long before knocking pulled Jiraiya-sama away from his writing. This time he went to get the door with far less grumbling, which cut off rapidly as he took a look at his newest visitor.

It was a young lady, obviously rich. Long, blue-black hair fell almost to her waist, and her huge, make-up-accentuated eyes blinked. “Oh, Jiraiya-dono-?”

Jiraiya-sama’s eyes slid down the hemline of her kimono to the unexpectedly revealed breastbone and paused at the very apex of the neckline, where a shadow suggested the swelling of breasts.

She bowed. There was a lot more shadow to view. “Forgive my intrusion-”

Then she dropped to a crouch and raised a hand to deflect Jiraiya-sama’s testing strike.

“You’re good,” admitted Jiraiya-sama. “That’s not a Henge – but I can still tell it’s a jutsu.”

The lady formed a ram seal and turned into Naruto – a head smaller than his former appearance, wider in the shoulders and wearing one of his t-shirts: this one with a line of stylised dancers drawn in black on predictably orange background. He grinned. “Ramen’s on you, Hato-san.”

The ANBU sauntered up the corridor. “Yeah, yeah. Maybe next time pick a _shinobi_ that’s not S-class.”

“You didn’t specify…”

Jiraiya-sama resumed his grumbling, but let the two newcomers in. Naruto automatically plopped down next to Iruka, while Dove took a position at the door, guarding the only entrance to the room.

“You’re still expending too much chakra,” said Iruka. “Keep practicing chakra control.” In truth, he was unaccountably reassured by the fact that Naruto was a jinchuuriki (for the first time ever that seemed to be a good thing), since otherwise he might have been actively lured into the Seduction Corps. With that much natural talent, they could have made a master of him.

He was also very proud that Naruto didn’t let on how angry at Jiraiya-sama he was after the revelation about the godfatherhood.

“I do more chakra control exercises than all the Academy kids combined!” Naruto complained good-naturedly. “One day soon I’ll manage the simplest medical technique, just you wait! Believe it!”

Iruka chuckled. It was a relief to see that off-mission Naruto reverted to the lovable goof.

Iruka wouldn’t forget again that there was the potential for deadly seriousness underneath, but all shinobi compartmentalised: Naruto would pack away his grim side and Iruka would lock up his knowledge of its existence. It made them both happier that way.

“Is Hime in Konoha, then?” Jiraiya-sama asked, watching the byplay closely. “I expected more fighting and screams of pain.”

“She’s in,” confirmed Dove.

“Huh,” said Jiraiya-sama. “I’ll be honest, kid – I didn’t expect you’d manage it. What’s your secret?”

Naruto shrugged. “She isn’t sure what to believe, but there’s so much doubt about what the heck is happening in Konoha that she’s come to check it out. She thinks I’m letting Orochimaru teach me stuff ‘cause everyone else in the village hates me, and Hato-san left traces of snake chakra on your correspondence, so Tsunade knows _you’re_ lying to her. That was enough for reasonable doubt.”

“Snake chakra?” Jiraiya-sama repeated, and then the identity of the ANBU in the room must have clicked, followed closely by the identity of his recent… _conquest_ … and he groaned. “Isn’t it overcomplicated?”

“Not if it works,” Iruka pointed out. “Besides, what were we supposed to do? We already know she doesn’t honour commitments, doesn’t even honour bets, and we don’t actually have anything to use as leverage.”

“ _Besides_ ,” Naruto added, “know what attracts more flies than honey? Bullshit.”

Dove cackled. “And you’re great at bullshit, _chibi_.”

“Thank you, Hato-san,” Naruto accepted the compliment with just a little more seriousness than it was meant.

“Oh, just call me Anko already. It’s not like you couldn’t identify half the ANBU personnel anyway.”

“W-what?” Jiraiya gaped at Naruto, who was smiling back with all the satisfaction of the cat that had gotten the cream (although hopefully he would never find out about this metaphor, because the resulting tantrum wasn’t worth it). “How?”

Naruto tapped his nose. “Trade secret, Raiya-ji.”

“It’s _Ji_ -raiya, kid. The ‘ji’ is in the front-” the Sannin tried, but he had to give up in the face of Naruto’s expression of (fake) childish skepticism. “Wait, snake chakra on my correspondence – did you _tell_ Tsunade-hime that I was sleeping with Oro-teme’s student?”

Naruto shook his head and beatifically smiled. “No. I told her you were sleeping with Orochimaru.”

While Anko burst into paroxysms of horrified laughter, Jiraiya went chalk-white in the face and then just keeled over onto the tatami.

“Lightweight,” Naruto scoffed, and then turned to Iruka. “Ne, Iruka-sensei, we’ve done real good, right?”

“We have done _really well_ , Naruto-kun,” Iruka confirmed.

Naruto fell over into him and hugged him around the waist hard enough to leave bruises. “You were real cool. And terrifying. What you said in the inn in Tanzaku Gai-”

“You know I didn’t mean any of that, right?” Iruka demanded, clinging back just as hard, momentarily terrified himself.

“Duh,” Naruto scoffed. “That’s what _being undercover_ means. Now we just gotta trick the hag into taking the Hat. That won’t be so easy, ‘cause she won’t underestimate us so much this time.”

“It won’t be easy alright – it’ll be _impossible_ ,” Jiraiya said from the floor, blinking. “Leave that to me.”

x

Jiraiya had a plan. Or, more like, a vague outline of a plan.

Tsunade wasn’t going to stay no matter what they did. She hated Konoha, and the word ‘Hokage’ gave her increasingly violent allergic reactions. Still, Jiraiya was on his way out of this cage to keep an eye on his network, and he didn’t really care if Kakashi would end up trapped in the position or if little Umino would manage to dupe someone else into doing it.

Jiraiya just needed Tsunade to solve the two problems that had nothing to do with the damn Hat: Hiruzen-sensei and Orochimaru.


	7. Three Long Days

Anko and Annai-chan (the A-team! ha!) watched as Jiraiya approached Tsunade at the Market Square where she was fishing for gossip. Surprisingly, there was no immediate violent confrontation, and the two old people walked side by side through the streets. Anko missed the first part of their conversation; by the time she got close enough to hear, they were engaged in the typical ex-gennin-teammates sniping.

“As if I’d fall for that _trap_ -”

“You write porn! With that much overcompensation, is it a wonder I thought you were-”

“Don’t even say it!”

“It’s reassuring, though-”

“You do have an unexpected gift for understatement, Hime-”

“I mean that I did not actually win a bet. I can stop waiting for the other shoe to drop.”

“Now that we are half-buried under all the dropped shoes?” Jiraiya complained. “There were enough of them to convince you to come here-”

“Possibly,” grumbled Tsunade who, might Anko just mention, looked unfairly fantastic for her age. “But the bet is what convinced me in the end. And now I’m all ambivalent. On one hand, it would have been a disaster. On the other hand, how many other disasters would you have averted if you just got over yourself and did _him_?!”

Jiraiya sputtered.

Anko even mildly enjoyed herself as she and her chibi doggie friend followed the two Sannin – until they entered the T&I building.

The A-team waited for a while, and then the ANBU Dove used her access to get them inside, so they could determine what was going to happen with the prisoner interned in the cell number 14.

“Fancy seeing you here, _kunoichi_ -chan,” Jiraiya said, stepping out of the corridor leading to the cells and firmly closing the door behind himself. “If you’re angling for another tête-à-tête, I’m afraid I’ll have to break your heart.”

“I’d have to have one first,” Anko shot back.

“Oh?” Jiraiya overexaggerated to mock her. Obviously he was still bitter (his own fault for being an arrogant womanizer – anyone else would have at least questioned a pretty girl’s immediate interest). “So you’re not here to see if Tsunade-hime manages to rid the world of the disgrace that is your former sensei?”

Jiraiya was an absolute bastard for saying something like that to Anko. On the other hand, Anko had already heard all the variations of this accusation many times; he was ten years too late to this hazing party.

“I am here to see to it that he dies. I don’t care about your team. I don’t care what you think he did that is so bad. I know what he did to me-”

Took her agency, shattered her life, set her up for years and years of abuse and very nearly killed her.

“-and I’ve killed people for far less. If I can’t do it myself-”

And she had tried, oh kami, so very fucking hard, through several consecutive nights.

“-then I at least want to _see_ it done.”

“Not interested,” Jiraiya returned, and maybe he was trying a little too hard to pretend he was unaffected by the final gathering of his gennin team, which would result in the death of one of them at another’s hand. “I have bigger problems than one girl with a grudge.”

_Grudge_?! The fucker.

“Orochi-bastard’s toast. I’m busy thinking up ways to lure Tsunade into staying in the village. And taking the damn Hat. Any bright ideas, Hebi-chan?” The corners of his mouth twitched, belying his otherwise mocking expression. So, he wasn’t unaffected, after all.

Anko tried to remember her gennin teammates, but they were long-since cremated corpses, and it was entirely the work of Orochimaru- _sensei_ , so she failed to muster any sympathy.

She knelt down, petted Annai-chan and whispered: “Go tell the chibi. I’ve got this.”

x

Iruka might have promised that he would return to the Academy, but circumstances didn’t let him. With Tsunade-sama shut in the T&I working on the most complicated execution in Konoha’s history, Iruka stepped right back into the Hokage’s aide’s shoes and spent a couple of days neck deep in negotiations of ceasefire (just _ceasefire_ – they hadn’t even opened the topic of a treaty) with a team of elite Sound jounin.

Who had attended the chuunin exams pretending to be gennin. Politeness was something of a struggle.

He was so exhausted by the end of the second day that he hadn’t even realised where Naruto was pulling him (by his _sleeve_ , for kami-sama’s sake) until they were there. There being Ichiraku’s again, predictably.

Iruka didn’t protest, and it turned out to be exactly what he needed. Warm, filling food, relaxed atmosphere, Naruto regaling him with the pranks Konohamaru’s proto-team had pulled on Daikoku and Suzume. There was no need to act the responsible educator here, so he let himself be openly amused.

“…and then she told the whole girls’ class that they would understand one day how beautiful love is, and that there are more important things in the life of a woman than training and missions,” Naruto said, enjoying Iruka’s growing incredulousness.

“She said _that_?”

Naruto nodded. “And she was clutching that letter, and Moegi nearly choked and had to hide under her desk, she was laughing so hard. I mean, I gave them tips on what to put into that letter, but I didn’t expect she’d _fall in love_ with her secret admirer.”

Suzume wasn’t a bad person, but she was rather ineffectual, and there was no hiding it. She had been placed at the Academy after some sort of minor mishap in the Archives, which resulted in her becoming a persona non grata there. But that had been before Iruka’s time, and he had never felt the need to find blackmail on _Suzume_ of all people.

“I don’t know her much,” Naruto admitted. “Kana-san made me go to the girls’ classes a few times, so I’d know what they learnt, but she was kinda disappointed. I stopped going, and she taught me that stuff herself. We trained together in tea houses and bakeries. I still think flower arranging is stupid, though.”

Iruka rubbed his temple. “I’m not even surprised you used to sneak into other classes-”

“Not all the time. Mostly I sneaked _out_.”

“Still not surprised.” Iruka hesitated and then decided that whatever, he might as well laugh. “Is that how you knew Daikoku-sensei? I didn’t think you were in his class?”

“Nah. We had old hag Suzuran and Mizuki-bastard as her assistant. Then the old hag died, and Mitsuhara took over for a while – and then we got you. But a lot of the guys started out in a different class-”

Since the graduation exams were offered twice a year, kids were often shuffled between classes as needed.

“-and Fune-face was their primary teacher. It’s too bad _he_ didn’t die.”

“Don’t wish death on your allies, Naruto,” Iruka reprimanded. He was all for having fun, even mean fun if deserved by the target, but there were lines.

“Gee,” Naruto grumbled, possibly under the impression that Iruka didn’t understand the words, “where would I learn a thing like that? My allies _never_ wished death on me.”

Iruka sighed, but he didn’t issue another reprimand. Besides, he understood the indignation. And he himself had a very low opinion of Daikoku.

Not low enough to want him to die, but he didn’t feel any compunctions about standing by and letting Konohamaru’s crew prank him to their heart’s content.

He now had a personal experience with brownnosing people, and after a month of it he was so fed up he had started daydreaming prank designs (that he didn’t have time to realise, sadly). Daikoku was only one of the offenders. Arakawa was worse, and Iruka had had an unpleasant encounter with a group of young clan kunoichi who had clearly been _pressured_ into approaching him and offering themselves as… brides? incubators for his children?

Sometimes traditional clans turned Iruka’s stomach.

x

“A progress report for you, Hokage-kun,” said Jiraiya, and smacked a scroll on top of Kakashi’s pile of correspondence.

He looked about ready to keel over. Not that it showed obviously, but Kakashi could read the tremor in his hands and the tightness of his stance like they were an instruction manual.

“And the other thing?” Kakashi inquired.

“I’ve already had the seals ready before Hime turned up, but if we want to do it safely, I’ll need an assistant.”

He’d need a good night’s sleep first, Kakashi guessed. Fortunately, while their little hostage problem had to be solved quickly, it wasn’t an actual emergency. So far the stopgap measures were working well.

“Anyone in particular?” Kakashi inquired when Jiraiya missed his cue for expanding on his previous statement (the Sage must have been completely drained).

“Yeah.” The old Sage rubbed his eyes. “I’ve sent them a toad yesterday, but they can’t always get away promptly. Might be here tomorrow. Might take a couple of weeks. I’ll keep you posted.”

x

On the third day of Tsunade being shut in Torture and Interrogation, Naruto finally got around to tracking down Kiba.

It wasn’t hard. Kiba was training, and he was alone (was Hinata still in the hospital? didn’t Kiba and Shino train together?). Akamaru sat on the very edge of the training ground, hidden under a bush, and watched him.

Naruto’s fist itched to plant itself in stupid Kiba’s face.

This was it.

Naruto took a deep breath and walked onto the training ground. “Would it help if we fought?” he called out. “Right here, right now. Just the two of us.”

Kiba paused in the middle of his kata. He stood from his crouch and faced Naruto with an angry sneer. “Anything goes?”

“Anything goes, as long as it’s just ourselves – no partners, no summons.”

“That’s not fair!”

“I’ve got _three_ summons, against your _one_ partner,” Naruto reminded him, ‘cause Kiba obviously had a hard time with math. “And by now they’re friends. I won’t make them fight one another. That’s just a _feline_ thing to do.”

For once, the person on the other end of the argument understood the true weight of Naruto’s insult.

Kiba grimaced. “Yeah, okay. Just the two of us?”

“Just the two of us,” Naruto confirmed.

Kiba was strong and fast – and unexpectedly bendy – so he managed to punch Naruto in the ribs hard enough to break a couple before Naruto grabbed onto his arm with a chakra-infused hold and flipped him over his back, resulting in Kiba’s dislocated shoulder and concussion from where he hit the ground head-first.

Naruto planted a blank tag-paper onto Kiba’s forehead while Kiba was still getting his bearings after the blow, hoping that it would be enough to convince the guy that Naruto could have _mowed him over_ anytime he tried if he went so far as to pull out a kunai. Or, like, shadow clones.

Fortunately, for all that Kiba was loud-mouthed and reckless and kinda arrogant, he wasn’t stupid.

He remained lying on the grass, left hand curled around his right shoulder, and breathing hard (that could have been pain, or humiliation, or just the realisation that Naruto was really _that_ far ahead of him, and maybe Akamaru had been right about throwing the fight).

Aka-chan whined and trotted closer to his injured human partner.

“I can put it back,” Naruto suggested, pointing at the shoulder.

“Yeah…” Kiba muttered. “Yeah… okay.” He sat up and between him and Naruto they managed to pop the shoulder back in.

“You should get it checked out,” Naruto suggested. This felt weird. He wasn’t happy, but he wasn’t sad about the resolution. He didn’t feel satisfied either. Just… weird.

“I’ll tell my sister. She’ll look it over. But it feels fine.” Kiba rotated his arm, grimacing.

Naruto wanted to sit down next to Kiba and lean into him to offer his support. He wasn’t Pack, but he felt a kithship with the Inuzuka, and Kiba especially was someone that could be his friend. Who else would understand what it was like to be a part of a Pack?

Akamaru whined again, and then bounded over when Kiba raised his good arm and accepted the ninken into a hug that probably only looked as a chokehold. Aka-chan licked his human partner’s face and wagged his tail so hard that if it was sharp he could have taken someone’s eye out.

“Yeah, we both know you’re the smart one in this outfit,” Kiba grumbled, touching foreheads with his partner. “I’ll try to get better at listening.”

Akamaru licked his face again.

Naruto smiled. He wasn’t a part of _their_ Pack – didn’t want to be – but it was so good to see them come back together. He remembered Aka-chan a week ago – stooped, with the worst sad puppy eyes ever – and it was almost impossible to recognise him in this happy ninken full of enthusiasm.

It was also good to see that Kiba was aware of his power over his partner, and resolved to do better in the future.

It wasn’t really his place, but Naruto was still proud of him. Of the both of them.

Naruto contemplated summoning his hunt – he could introduce them to Kiba, they could have fun – when people started panicking. For a long while it was hard to determine what was going on, until some of the running ninja passed by the training grounds, looking for someone and calling out about an alert because of Akatsuki-

_Akatsuki_? What did that mean? Why was everyone suddenly on alert? Not _everyone_ -everyone, but every wired ninja tuned to any of the village frequencies and everyone on duty and everyone out and about and everyone anyone of these people told. The civilians barely even noticed any unusual activity – whatever the threat was, there was no need to evacuate.

And Naruto still had no idea what was going on, even though many ninja seemed to only need to hear the word ‘Akatsuki’ to get it. He wasn’t used to not knowing these things. He would have to try harder.

“ _Akatsuki_?” Kiba repeated, head tilted to the side, entirely without a clue.

Naruto shrugged at him. Kiba shrugged back. Akamaru shrugged, too.

And then the mutual confusion was forgotten due to the sudden blast of killing intent from the next training ground over, when ‘Akatsuki’ was further specified to ‘Uchiha Itachi’.

Without having to talk about it, all three of them ran for the source of KI.

Itachi wasn’t there, though.

There was only Sasuke, staring after a leaving ninja in a jounin uniform. He was standing in the centre of the ground between three posts, all littered with kunai and shuriken and scarred after what must have been hundreds of punches and kicks.

“What do you want, dead last?” Sasuke snarled. He looked like he had had an exploding tag blow up in his face, except his eyebrows weren’t singed. _Frazzled_ was the word. He had chewed on his nails, too.

Wow, he really looked like crap in general.

“You okay?” asked Naruto. Not that he was worried. Nuh-uh. Just a little… eh… concerned. Maybe. He didn’t like Sasuke, but Sasuke was still a Konoha shinobi, and taking care of your allies was pretty important. Even if they had cat-sick personality and definitely wouldn’t take care of you if the positions were reversed.

Sasuke tried to set Naruto on fire through the power of his gaze.

It still wasn’t an actual Katon jutsu, so he must not have been too mad.

“Whoa, scary,” Kiba mocked, although he did smell more than a little scared for real.

It was definitely the wrong thing to say to Sasuke at that moment; Sasuke moved forward and raised his hand for what Naruto instinctively knew was going to be the Great Fireball-

-so Naruto tackled Kiba to the ground and saved at the very least his hair from being burnt off. Most likely Naruto had saved _Kiba’s face_.

Sasuke _really_ should have had that looked at.

“What’s your damage?” cried Kiba, which was absolutely another wrong thing to say, and if it weren’t for Akamaru’s friendship, Naruto would have left that stupid Inuzuka to his fate at this point. As it was he managed to save them both from being incinerated by raising a Mud Wall.

This wasn’t fun.

“He’s insane!” Kiba yelled, really _asking_ for it. “I’m reporting this, don’t you think I won’t, Uchiha!”

Sasuke scoffed from the other side of the mud wall. He didn’t say anything. He could have crowed about the fact that no report would ever result in any action ‘cause the Council was collectively up his butt – but that wasn’t really Sasuke’s style. He found Kiba beneath him, and now that Kiba wasn’t actively antagonising him anymore, Sasuke couldn’t be bothered.

Akamaru ran up, sank his teeth into Kiba’s trousers – initially catching skin, too, judging by Kiba’s yowl – and pulled Kiba away in the direction of the Inuzuka clan house.

Naruto let the Mud Wall squelch down, but by that time Sasuke was long since gone.

x

If the reporting jounin had been anyone else, anyone else at all, Kakashi would have pinned them under an incredulous one eyed gaze and perhaps reached up for his hitai-ate to compound the intimidation with the threat of the Sharingan.

In poor taste, given the circumstances, but it wasn’t as though poor taste had ever mattered to Kakashi.

But this was Gai, so Kakashi simply repeated after him in a carefully neutral tone, since Gai might have been eccentric, but he was also one of the strongest and most reliable of Konoha’s shinobi, and he was standing at attention in front of the Hokage’s desk, taut as a bowstring, and wearing a terrible contrite expression.

“Gone.”

“Yes, Acting Hokage-san!” Gai confirmed, perhaps a little louder than necessary but for once as solemn as the situation required. “When ANBU arrived at the location, Uchiha Itachi had already departed. He was seen walking away from the Wall. Presumably he let himself be sighted on purpose. The pursuing team did not apprehend him. I apologise for our failure, Acting Hokage-san!”

Having Gai report to him in the Hokage office was all sorts of weird and uncomfortable. So was the address Gai chose although, to be honest, Gai had once again used his well-disguised social talents and struck the perfect balance of long-time friendly rivalry and professional subordination. He was possibly the only one – who was not himself a Kage – who would use the honorific ‘san’ with the word Hokage.

Kakashi suppressed his amusement and tried to figure out if they were having a crisis. “Is he still in the village?”

He knew that Gai couldn’t know that for sure (this _was_ Uchiha Itachi they were talking about), and Gai knew that Kakashi knew that he couldn’t know this for sure, and answered as best as he could, given the circumstances: “Uchiha Itachi-san has amazing talents and a brilliant mind.” The word ‘unyouthful’ might not have been spoken, but it was written all over his face.

Kakashi nodded. Gai was right. Itachi had always been leagues ahead of his peers in terms of skills and intelligence. He had never needed to show off – never sought audience for any of his deeds. With the exception of Sasuke. Sasuke was the only audience he had ever wanted to impress, including that one time, but Kakashi was inclined to take everything he thought he knew about the Uchiha massacre with entire _pots_ of salt, for the simple reason that he had personally known Itachi.

So, why show himself today? Certainly Itachi could have gotten into the village, achieved his objective, and then gotten out again without anyone being any wiser.

The only reason Kakashi could think of was…

“Warning?” He directed the question to Shikaku, who had so far stood quietly in the corner and observed the procession of reporting ninja.

Shikaku inclined his head. “No battle; no casualties; no noticeable damages. And then letting himself be seen as he was leaving? Pure courtesy, to spare us a village-wide hunt on someone that’s long gone.”

Since Shikaku’s guess mostly matched Kakashi’s guess – there were some minor discrepancies centred mostly around Kakashi’s personal familiarity with the Uchiha, whereas Shikaku only knew him from reports – Kakashi made the executive decision not to bother Tsunade with this while she was busy.

“Then I’ll leave it in your capable hands, Shikaku-san,” he concluded, and blithely ignored the scowl the Jounin Commander cast his way.

Saa, at least these people would know better than to miss him once he stepped down.

x

Jiraiya groaned and let his head thunk down onto the roughly hewn table, ignoring the other customers at the roadside inn who had turned to him with quickly abating curiosity. “You just had to show yourself in public and spread panic.”

Itachi, in the guise of a mousy-haired waitress taking her smoke break, inclined his head back and non-smiled at the ceiling. “I wished to speak with someone. It was a shockingly pleasant experience. I might have to repeat it-”

“Try to refrain!” Jiraiya cried into his peanuts. “We’re lucky that Kakashi’s pragmatic as fuck and a genius at reading between the lines, or Konoha would have been turned upside down in search for you.”

Damn kid obviously found that hilarious, judging by the slight deepening of lines on one side of his face.

Jiraiya despaired. If only the only complete and trained set of Sharingan eyes available for random jinchuuriki re-sealing wasn’t attached to this smartarse, his life would have been a tiny yet crucial bit easier!

x

“What-?” Iruka inquired, squinting up to where Kakashi stood in front of the sunlit window.

As if Kakashi’s mask didn’t do enough to obscure his face, the sharp daylight made him appear as a darkish blob. The blob paused for a moment and then moved, stepping past the window toward the kitchen and throwing a “You’ll tell me when you decide it’s time,” at Iruka before it disappeared from sight.

Iruka bit on the inside of his cheek to keep himself from cursing.

Of course Kakashi could tell. Perhaps not exactly what happened, but enough to know that _something_ happened, and there was only so much coincidence one could believe in when Uchiha Itachi was sighted within the village proper at around the same time.

He wondered if he shouldn’t just tell Kakashi everything. But it wasn’t as though Kakashi told _him_ everything.

“How deep into Sandaime-sama’s personal archives did you delve?” Iruka inquired, rolling to his side. He still couldn’t see his partner – the wall was in the way – but at least the light wasn’t blinding him anymore.

There was a while of silence, disturbed only by Kakashi’s slow, methodical search through their fridge. Eventually came the reply: “Deep enough.”

Iruka snorted. That didn’t even count as a bluff. The man must have been bone-tired (as evidenced by the fact that he didn’t pounce on Iruka the instance he stepped into the door). If Kakashi wanted to know what Iruka knew, he would first have to share his knowledge. It was a stand-off that could last for days, even weeks, and it translated to their bed in very interesting ways. Perhaps it wasn’t smart to play such a game with secrets that could topple a village, but _shinobi_ was a way of life, and they lived it fully.

Why role-play seducing state secrets out of one another if they could seduce state secrets out of one another for real?

Iruka grinned to himself, and dozed off listening to the puttering in the kitchen.

x

Anko had personal reasons for loitering around T&I late in the evening when she was off duty. Ibiki knew this, and after gifting her with one of his adorable scowls – that was a friendly greeting for him – he let her be.

She curled up on the ratty sofa in the break room, so she wouldn’t get into his way. She gnawed through the collar of her coat. Then she stress-ate three pounds of dango. Got sick as a dog and upchucked it all into the rubbish bin.

Ibiki glared at her for stinking up the offices, but he was too much of a giant marshmallow to even yell. She wanted to hug him and kiss him and make him indecent proposals – but that would have to wait until her mouth and nose weren’t full of stomach acids anymore.

“Sit down,” he grumbled, and went to dispose of the bin before the stench sank into everything.

Anko sat on the sofa, hugged her legs to her chest and trembled. Then there was sudden tension in the air, and between one blink of an eye and the next the chakra from the seal on her shoulder drained away. It didn’t hurt. Not really. Not like when the thing was put there.

It was just… dead. The seal was dead and Anko… Anko was… free.

Ibiki found her weeping, stifling howls by gnawing on the other side of her collar. He put a big, warm hand on her shoulder and that helped – oh fuck, that helped more than she could put into words.

x

In the middle of the night they lay side by side in their bed, with a couple of inches of space between them, slowly cooling off.

Kakashi felt doubly satisfied, what with the dirty, dirty knowledge about Uchiha Itachi and his true mission that Iruka whispered into his ear in between all the whimpering and moaning.

“Did you know,” Iruka spoke softly, “that Naruto had – and I quote – _mad_ undercover skills?”

Kakashi nodded into the darkness. “Did.”

“How did this happen?” Iruka mused. “Kakashi, that boy is so exuberant and childish… I wouldn’t believe it if I haven’t seen it with my own eyes.”

On this account Kakashi felt the same. But seen he had, and belief came with observation. “He’s had training.” He felt the lightest touch of KI. “Don’t look at me like that, _sensei_ , it wasn’t from me. I suck at undercover. Though I could suck under covers, too, if you prefer-”

“Then who?” Iruka cut off his very generous offer. He sounded honestly puzzled.

As though it wasn’t perfectly obvious. Kakashi didn’t want to bring contention to their extremely well-deserved moment of post-coital contentedness, so he played it safe and pretended he wasn’t sure either. “The Pack, I guess. They might have started him young if he showed talent. And – you remember what it was like for him when he was a child. Being able to slip into another identity might have been a matter of survival.”

“He’s really good,” Iruka whispered admiringly. “ _Really_ good.”

“I know.” Kakashi trailed his fingers along the line of Iruka’s upper arm and then pulled his hand back before he lost it. “I’ve seen him once, and if not for the Sharingan… I would have only figured it out because he called himself _Naruko_.”

For a moment they both reflected on this, and then dissolved into giggles.

x

Instead of turning on the light in her hotel room, Tsunade-hime lit several candles and then took the bottle from the table. She didn’t even check the label; a tug with a chakra string sent the cork flying out, and she downed a fourth of the liquid without pausing for breath.

“Did you know that in the three hours I’ve been out in the village there were _only_ eight assassination attempts on me?” she said in a flat tone that could barely be read as sarcasm. “It’s enough to make a girl feel unwelcome.”

“What did you do to them?” Jiraiya wondered. If there was a pile of corpses stacked in some dark alley, he liked to think the ANBU would have already found them.

“Poison, what do you think?” she said, detached.

The blunted emotions were to be expected, after what she had had to do. Jiraiya wished he had managed it, just to spare her the pain of it.

Tsunade-hime raised the bottle to her mouth, gulped down the second fourth of its contents and wiped her lips with the back of her hand. “Either they seek out medical help and we’ll identify them, or they die and the problem solves itself.”

“How many-”

She checked her nearly empty senbon pouch. “I think I hit forty-one, but some of them might have been the same people coming back. It’s a slow-acting poison.”

Jiraiya felt the stirrings of panic. “That’s a whole damn taskforce, Hime-!”

“And yet,” she cut him off, glaring darkly at _him_ , as though _he_ was the one ridiculous with his worrying about a death squad dispatched on her within their own damn village. “Not a scratch. Almost like someone that could survive being a Hokage.”

“You mean… _you’re going to do it_?!”

“Ask me tomorrow,” she grumbled and, without putting the bottle down, threw him out of the window. She peered over the sill down at him where he was sprawled on the concrete and seeing stars. “Afternoon. I don’t want to see anyone before two o’clock. I’ve got more of that poison left.”

The window slammed shut.

Concussion or no, that sounded like a _yes_.

Jiraiya had hoped, but there was a reason why people called him an incurable optimist. He knew – or thought he knew – how much Tsunade hated Konoha. How much it hurt her to just be here. And Konoha had used her to murder Orochimaru – one of the last handful of people alive about whom she gave a damn.

Who was left? Shizune, Hiruzen-sensei, and Jiraiya himself. He hadn’t thought that would have been enough to move Tsunade to pay the bill for her hotel, much less _let herself be trapped here indefinitely_.

He didn’t understand anything anymore.

He was, for the first time in a while, genuinely scared.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yes, yes, a tiny little bit of a cliffhanger, I know. Tsunade has a valid reason for deciding to stay, but it will be a while yet before it’s revealed.
> 
> This series has turned into a damn cat’s cradle of plotlines, and I’m trying to keep them all leading somewhere, but sometimes you’ll have to wait a little longer to find out. Next week you get another standalone called Older Brothers that explains what went on with Iruka in Three Long Days, so see you soon!

**Author's Note:**

> Warnings: canon-typical violence, execution, implied torture, character death, swearing, implied sexual situations, implied promiscuity, implied prostitution, manipulation, mindfuck, mentions of child abandonment, unreliable narrators all around, drinking


End file.
